“I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!”
When Sally Field tearfully (and angrily) uttered this knockout line from the camp classic Steel Magnolias
it cut through the scene’s intense grief like butter, especially when
Olympia Dukakis then hilariously offered up Shirley MacLaine as a human
punching bag.
 |
| Assertiveness
can be a positive method to help you get what you want, whereas anger
attempts to punish the offending person or persons. | |
|
What
are you angry about these days? Like Fields’ character, is it the
heartbreaking loss of a loved one? Maybe it’s the never-ending war in
Iraq, the thought of another Republican in the White Housel, or a
homophobic neighbor or nitpicky boss? Studies historically show that
built up anger and resentment are linked to a host of health problems,
but in today’s turbulent world how can one not be pissed off, right?
“Negative
feelings, such as anger, are normal and often appropriate and healthy
in some circumstances,” says Greg Cason, a psychologist in Los Angeles.
“Anger is one of the basic emotions of survival, and gives us the
motivation and energy to defend ourselves from physical or emotional
attacks.”
Cason
says that anger is usually expressed via a trio of outlets; a verbal
explosion a la Sally Field, in socially ostracizing or humiliating
others (think Mean Girls), or in outright physical attack
(think most Jerry Springer guests). Anger in small or infrequent doses
is a necessary and helpful emotion, but larger or frequent outbursts
are not only destructive to relationships and the psyches of other
people, but are ironically especially hurtful to the person who’s
actually feeling it.
“Expressing
anger is the very thing that increases health and emotional problems
and increases experience and intensity of anger and consequences in the
environment,” says Cason. “The key is not to let out anger, but to
decrease the source of anger.”
Released
anger is akin to the steam bursting from a boiling pot; the pressure on
the lid may temporarily decrease, but the heat in the kitchen
increases. And, whether you take the lid off permanently or put it back
on, the pot continues to boil.
In
other words, simply turning down the flame (causes for anger) is the
healthiest option for releasing anger. Easier said than done, of
course, because people often interpret that as submitting to the source
of that anger, says Cason. “Often, an angry person feels they only have
two choices—attack or be attacked.”
Instead,
the key to managing anger in healthy ways is within yourself, or more
specifically, your perceptions of the world around you. Here are some
options Cason suggests for managing (and releasing) your anger:
Take Care of You: Decreasing alcohol
and other drug intake is one way to immediately take better care of
you. Controlling your blood pressure through relaxation techniques and,
if your blood pressure is too high, medication, is another. Get your
hormone levels checked and controlled (and be sure you’re medically
supervised if you are using hormones for other than medical reasons).
Also, getting adequate sleep and eating well can also help diffuse
negative emotions.
Examine your Beliefs:
Do you have rigid and unrealistically high expectations of others? Look
for words such as “should, must, and ought” in your head when you find
yourself getting angry at someone. “Generally when you experience anger
after a perceived transgression by another person, you may notice that
you are thinking someone along the lines of ‘he should not do that’ or
‘he ought to do this,’” says Cason. “If you discover something like
this, then ask yourself why someone ‘should’ follow your rules. Then
ask yourself to consider whether instead it would be preferable if the
other person did as you would like, but it is O.K. if they do not. This
process is difficult to do in the beginning but, if mastered, can help
you catch anger in its beginning stages and prevent a blow-up.”
Be assertive instead of angry:
Be assertive—not aggressive! In assertiveness there are three basic
components that can help you keep your cool but still get your point
across. Assertiveness can be a positive method to help you get what you
want, whereas anger attempts to punish the offending person or persons.
1.
Say what you want. For example, saying “Excuse me, that comment is very
offensive to me, I’d appreciate if you wouldn’t say that anymore…”
makes it clear how you feel and what you expect from the person who’s
offended you.
2.
Say why you want it (your feelings could be communicated at this point,
but be careful about demonstrating it). If someone next to you is too
loud at the movies, telling them “I can’t hear the movie over your
conversation” explains your point of view.
3.
Being respectful of other person and their desires. Instead of
name-calling, approach the person who offended you in a very neutral
way, without making it personal, or offer a compliment in addition to
your request. “You’re not trying to punish the other person, you’re
trying to effectively communicate what you want,” says Cason.
