Shout Out Health

ASK THE THERAPIST: Anxiety Alert! What to Do When Worry Rules Your Life...

Q: Help, I am in my 30s and I'm out and proud and all that, but I am anxious every day about my future, the economy, my love life, the state of gay rights, etc., I just can't seem to relax and I don't want to resort to any more medication, I've tried them in the past. I'm a big believer in therapy, but I can't see my therapist every day! What should I do?

A: Does your therapist know that you are anxious every day about life, the universe, and everything? If so, is he or she just reassuring you, dealing with one issue at a time, or looking at this general pattern of anxiety? I hope it's the last one. The first two will make you feel better in the moment; the last one will reduce anxiety in the long run.

Your worries come from a more generalized pattern of beliefs that the world is a threatening place and you are not personally equipped to handle it. You apply those beliefs to each individual situation and the outcome is always the same--you get anxious. Because you don't believe you have the ability to affect your situation, you look for outside means to solve your worries, such as seeking reassurance, controlling other people, or flat out avoiding things that make you anxious.

Assuming you also had a medical check-up to rule out any physical problems that could be fueling your anxiety, then the focus of treatment generally addresses your thought patterns that lead to anxiety, your behavioral avoidance of threatening things, and your physiological arousal in response, such as the tension and stress that makes it difficult to relax.

ASK THE THERAPIST: Feeling Frazzled? Try This Quick (and Effective) Relaxation Technique

Q: I'm a nervous wreck! Is there a simple relaxation method or technique you can suggest?

A: Relaxation is something that can be practiced by all of us, especially in this noisy, stressful, and frantically plugged-in world. Here's a simple relaxation tip you can use daily:

1. Turn off the TV, radio, computer and hand-held devices, and close the door if there are people around.

2. Sit comfortably in a chair, with your back and legs fully supported, and your hands resting comfortably on your thighs.

3. Either close your eyes, or pick a spot on the floor to focus on.

4. Breathe in through your nose, concentrating on filling up your entire abdomen (if you are having trouble and tend to fill up your chest area, do this exercise lying down).

5. Next, blow the air out very slowly through your mouth, as if cooling off some very hot soup on a small spoon without spilling a drop.

6. Repeat this 10 times while focusing on your breath.

7. Do this twice a day, perferably at the same time of day, or as needed.

This is simple, fast and highly effective. The more you practice it, the more effective it will become.

When you cannot find time alone, take a few minutes to stop and "smell the flowers" which means connecting to and appreciating the things and people physically in front of you (rather than the TV, computer, phone, etc.). Doing so will provide a much-needed release of tension and refocus you on the present moment.

If you want to read a good (and classic) book on the subject, check out The Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson, M.D. -- Greg Cason, PhD

ASK THE THERAPIST: How to Let Go of the Past and Enjoy Life!

Q: After surviving a very difficult few years of financial difficulties, unemployment and a broken relationship, things have recently turned around for me. I've got a new job, money in the bank and options again to create my future. Trouble is, I'm freaking out! Being in survival mode so long seems to be lingering, and I'm still full of anxiety and self-doubt, like the good is going to disappear at any moment. How do you get out of survival mode and into truly enjoying and appreciating life right now?

A: In an economy where so many continue to struggle, I am always glad to hear a story of triumph over adversity. But, just because things are working on the outside doesn't necessarily mean that you are going to feel differently inside.
Going though hard times -- war, disaster, and yes, economic downturns -- can change your perceptions of yourself and the world around you. The world you once thought was safe and supportive may now seem unreliable and even threatening.  And, the self you believed was able to handle most anything is in doubt.  Put together, you have a recipe for anxiety.

Now you want to change the anxiety and replace it with enjoyment and appreciation.  Great goal, but difficult execution.  Because you went through some serious setbacks that you were not psychologically prepared to handle, your brain may not let go of the fact that danger may be lurking around the corner.  Furthermore, it gets all the evidence it needs when you read news websites, listen to talk radio, or just see a panhandler on the street.

ASK THE THERAPIST: What's the Secret to Handling 'Haters' like Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson?

Q: I'm so disgusted by this whole Ducky Dynasty/Phil Robertson anti-gay controversy (and let me add Juan Pablo Galavis, The Bachelor, to my list), especially since I have a few relatives who are just like him, and use their religion as an excuse to be anti-gay (I'm a 20-something gay man). How should one deal with haters (especially those in your own familly) who seem to cherry pick certain parts of the Bible (ignoring the pesky parts about slavery and stoning adulterers!) to attack who I am? What about loving they neighbor and judge not lest ye be judged? Any advice on how I can stand up for myself with a big, drawn out argument or debate?

A: The amazing thing is that the Duck Dynasty controversy is even a thing. Ten years ago Phil Robertson's words would not have been received with such hoopla.  So, take it as a good sign that people are upset and saying something.  And, you should take it as a good sign for you to say something too.

ASK THE THERAPIST: Help, I Want to Upgrade My Job, Boyfriend and Body!

Q: My life is O.K., but I feel like I should have a better job, a better-looking boyfriend, and better body than I actually do. I work hard and present myself well, but I can't seem to get to this A-list level. Any advice?

A: What advice do you want -- advice on getting to the A-list level or advice on leading a happier life?  I can give you one or the other, but unless you change your current mindset, you can’t have both.

I know you think that getting on the A-list will bring you a happier life, but I can guarantee you that it won't. The only thing it will bring is relief from your demand that you must be on the A-list, but it will quickly be replaced with the fear of losing your coveted ranking.

Unfortunately, like Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz,” I'm going to have to let you take the journey down the Yellow Brick Road before you will believe me.  So in the meantime, let me tell you why you are not yet on the A-list -- because you do not have a better job, better boyfriend, and better body. But the biggest problem everyone from the A-list to the D-list will have with you? Your entitlement.

You believe you are entitled to have things (and I am throwing people in that list of things, because you do, i.e., "better boyfriend"). But, one of the secrets to life is that we are not really entitled to anything we did not earn -- and even then, it's dicey. If you don't have those things, you probably have not yet earned them.

No matter how hard you think you are working, you need to work harder. And, the thing you need to work harder on is your entitlement because if you don't have fame, fortune, or a phenomenal face and body, then you need to be at least somewhat pleasant to be around. Entitled people are emotional vampires -- they suck people dry and the only reason anyone would want to hang around one is if that person were one too.

If you want a happier life, then you need to stop looking for what you can get, including an A-list membership card, and appreciate the things and people around you at this moment.  The best way to do that is to give.  Give of your time, your attention, and your good deeds.  It's easier to do than clicking your heels together and saying, "There's no place like home." But, if you don't believe, it won't work.

To believe, you need to take your own emotional journey down the Yellow Brick Road and destroy that emotional Wicked Witch that lives inside of you.  But it’s scary, so I don’t recommend going at it alone. And, since a trio of anthropomorphized beings is not at the ready, I suggest a therapist.

Whatever it is you want, you have much more work to do, whether it is in a gym or therapist's office. In either case, you are stuck in an emotional tornado. What you do once you land is up to you. -- Greg Cason, PhD

ASK THE THERAPIST: How Did I Develop a Foot Fetish?

Q: As an adult, I am attracted to feet, but I am still plagued by one incident when I was about 10 years old.  I was with a friend of the same age and asked him to take his shoes and socks off to be like a couple of wrestlers who wrestled barefoot.  When we started wrestling, I was groping at his feet, then I put him in a hold with my legs and was groping at his feet again. I can't remember what I was feeling at the time, but he was laughing, but now I am concerned it was just nervous laughter.  Basically I cannot understand for the life of me why this happened and it leaves me guilt ridden.  Did I abuse and exploit him?

A: Mutual physical play with two boys at age 10 would rarely be called abuse or exploitation except in the rarest of circumstances and certainly not here.  Clearly your preference for foot play was present in your tween years and you sought to explore your budding sexual impulses the way 10 year old boys sometimes do -- with physical activity and games.  And now you feel guilty because the other boy
probably had no idea that you had ulterior motives. 


I doubt the other boy remembers the incident, but I'll bet he does remember that you were a worry wart.  Even if he did remember the move and somehow knew you had sexual motivations, it may not produce anything more than a gag reflex.  Only the most sensitive and (usually) previously abused individuals would be scarred by a non-genital related, though unusual, wrestling move by a fellow 10 year old.

If I were you I would get to the bottom of this guilt spiral.  A little guilt goes a long way, but guilt that is inappropriately or abundantly applied is going to hurt you and may mean you have some other issues that may be festering, like obsessive thinking, rigidity, and social relatedness problems. 

And, as far as the foot attraction goes, more power to you.  Many people I know are ashamed of their feet, but you celebrate them.  The key is to find a partner who likes to receive as much as you like to give. -- Greg Cason, PhD