Who do you turn to for help in a personal crisis? Do you have a must-see therapist, energy healer or life coach to get you through life’s rough patches? Finding that support can be essential when it comes to leading a happier, healthier and more empowered life, so we asked Joel Readence, CPC, ELI-MP, Life and Executive coach, to tackle some of our questions. Here are some excerpts from that conversation (watch for Part 2 coming soon):
ShoutOutHealth: What’s the most common life challenge you see among LGBT people?
Fear. It’s fear of failure. Fear of judgment. Fear of success. In the gay community, so many of us grow up turning ourselves into what I call life contortionists. We turn into what others wanted us to become, what society or our parents or peers or teachers wanted us to be. This causes us problems later on in life, because you have such an external focus that you don’t spend the time to turn inward, and answer your own life’s questions and find out what you really want to be doing. So it’s about overcoming fears and really spending the time with yourself, and not being afraid to be alone and figure out what you want in your life.
ShoutOutHealth: What can be done about these fears?
So the vast majority of the time, the fears we’re grappling with are self-induced, and the vast majority of the time they’re not based in reality. A lot of people plunge themselves into the future and imagine the worst possible outcome, instead of staying focused in the present and asking what will make me happy, and what are the small steps I can take that are easily digestible and take me forward in the direction I want to go.
ShoutOutHealth: Almost everyone has some fear in their life, but do you think there’s a deeper core issue that’s specific to LGBT people?
Self loathing. A lack of self acceptance. A lack of any type of grounding force that makes those in the gay community comfortable in pursuing opportunities that might be very much personal to them, and not understood by the people around them. So often, we’re still in a place of hiding, and being who everyone else wants us to be, while knowing deep inside we are inherently different. We have a tendency to view that as being flawed, and so leads to a type of deep misunderstanding within ourselves. The gay community wears many masks, and people try to be who they think they should be for outward appearances. As a result, you’ve got all these labels and clusters within the gay community.
But as I ask my clients all the time, what is your own personal definition of success and acceptance and authenticity? Have you looked inward to figure out what it is you want? How do you give yourself the level of acceptance to pursue your own dreams without worrying about what others think? That is the huge, huge issue within the gay community, trying to overcome the fear and perceived disapproval of the people in our lives, and being authentic to ourselves and pursue what we really want.
ShoutOutHealth: What do you say to clients who still believe that the ideal body, designer clothes, and relationship is the ultimate path to ‘happiness’?
A lot of people think that when they get all this stuff, then they’ve “made it” in life. But the problem is, that whole idea is so externally focused. It’s asking what does the outside community need to see in me, in order for me to have a level of acceptance I need? What you need to do is look inward, and do an honest inventory of your life, and find out what you want for yourself. But I see it all the time, so many people who seem to ‘have it all’ but are actually unfulfilled.
But if you base your success alone on what other people think, there’s going to be that constant longing, that feeling that something is missing. I think many people in our community grapple with that, but not many are willing to deal with it. Because that means making difficult changes, and they’re worried about what other people will think, and they’re worried about failing at these potential endeavors.
Coming in Part 2: Stop seeking approval and learn to create lasting happiness...
this is amazing, fear has run my life too and Ive never confronted it in any real way... ill try do it better...
Posted by: Tom | 07/09/2014 at 10:57 PM
I seek approval all the time, but never realized what I was doing, its not normal to need validation all the time...
Posted by: Jim | 07/09/2014 at 10:59 PM