Q: I have been in therapy for awhile now, and I'm discovering a shocking thing: I've been out, active in the gay community and have a good circle of gay and straight friends, but if things aren't going perfectly I realize how guilty I still feel for being gay. I seek approval from others more than love, and if things aren't perfect in my life, I don't like myself very much. I feel like it's my fault I'm gay. I thought I was an evolved gay man!
How do you manage misplaced gay guilt without beating yourself up for...feeling guilty?"
A: Guilt is a belief that 1) you have done something wrong and 2) you are a totally bad person for having done it. You see, it isn't enough to do something wrong, we all do wrong things all day long and don't think much about them: wearing white after Labor Day, talking trash about an ex, or even eating carbs! Also, it is not enough to judge the act as bad or wrong. If you do that, you may only feel regret which is a perfectly healthy negative feeling. To feel guilt, truly painful guilt, you judge your total self as bad or wrong for doing something. Judge your total self as "bad" or "wrong" for doing something you also judge as "bad" or "wrong" and you have a nasty dose of GUILT!
You will really know that you have mastered the feeling of guilt when you feel guilty, but you can't figure out why. I call this my "Catholic guilt" for reasons I expect other 'adult children of Catholics' will immediately recognize. But, I digress.