Q: I've been online dating and hooking up, but so many people are NOT what they say they are, and it's getting me down. Is everyone out there just a liar? I want to find my soul mate, and I hate the bars, and one of my best friends met his husband online. I spend hours online every week looking for love, but no luck. Any advice?
A: Let's consider the above question as an online dating ad. What do we know about you? We know you hook up with people but really want a soul mate AND you spend hours online looking for love but have no luck. So far, not so good. To top it off, you believe everyone is liar? Downright bad.
Would you consider a relationship with someone who thinks like that? I hope not. If we weren't talking about you, I suspect you would be extending your thumb and forefinger and then holding those same two fingers against your forehead about now.
If you want to meet a husband, you have to start acting like husband-material. Get off-line and get back to real life! You don't have to go to bars, but you have to go out where people are. I know, I know... join a gym, take a cooking class, host a charity drive to distribute lingerie for needy sexy people. Whatever! Just get out there.
If you have been living in the virtual night crawler world, it may take some getting used to and you may experience some bumps along the way. But, the payoff will be worth it as you begin to discover that men do more than just point, click, and poke.
Try this 7-step "Back-to-real-life" homework:
1. Freeze all of your online sex accounts.
2. Inactivate your Facebook account (I know, sacrilege!).
3. Stay off Craigslist, Rentboy, and any other social sexworking sites.
4. Limit all other non-work related Internet and Email use to one hour a day. (Ouch!)
5. Give up all casual hook-ups. No sex unless they buy you dinner first (or you them)!
6. Do at least two separate off-line, people-meetin', purpose-driven activities a week.
7. Do this for 6 months. Really, 6 months!
By the end you will have shed that layer of husband-repellant that you keep spraying on yourself night after night. You see, I know there is a decent human being lurking in there who wants to love and be loved. Right now he's coated with bitterness and negativity -- and that's not pretty to wake up next to in the morning.
At the end of 6 months, I then invite you to reassess your values, your view of others, and your view of yourself and your own situation. If you haven't started meeting some nice husband-types who still dial telephones and don't speak in acronyms, then you are free to go back to online dating. Your time venturing forth into the concrete jungle will have made you far more interesting to other men and you will start to recognize that other men are far more interesting to you.. -- Greg Cason, PhD