ASK THE THERAPIST: Feel the Pain ... Heal the Pain?

Q: I'm having a conflict between the idea that you have to feel your authentic feelings to heal, and utilizing more tangible tools such as positive affirmations, self-help books, etc. I don't want to be some mantra-spouting robotic product of a self-help book, but how long do you have to feel the pain before you heal the pain?

A: Where is it written, "you have to feel your authentic feelings to heal?" Hopefully not in your self-help books!
 
I have always been perplexed by the notion of "authentic feelings." If you follow the precept that our  feelings are largely influenced by our perception of the world (inside and out), then exactly when is a feeling not authentic?  Really, all of them are because they authentically reflect our perception. It’s our perceptions that can lead to problems. Feelings give us information and help us to take action.
 
What is problematic is when people have additional beliefs about feelings such as "feelings are dangerous", "boy's don't cry", and "you should feel this when that happens." Generally these are old rules you developed to protect yourself because at some point you thought feelings meant trouble.
 
It's not the feeling that's the problem; it's your negative evaluation about the feeling that leads to the problem. So, in therapy, what is helpful is to address the negative evaluations about your feelings that are suppressing or twisting them and not letting them flow.

Once you do allow yourself to express reactions to a troubling event, then your perceptions about the event will become clearer to you.  
 
Now let me take on part two! Though positive-affirmations and "mantra-spouting" may be tools, they are most likely the wrong tools for the job at hand -- much like using a nail clipper to cut the lawn.  
 
That is the problem with self-help books. They may give helpful advice, but how the advice is applied and practiced is the where the rubber truly meets the road.  
 
So bring your self-help book to therapy and discuss the concepts and recommendations with your therapist. Your therapist can help you to pick the tools that will be most helpful and show you how to apply them to your situation.  He or she can probably also recommend some additional books that will enhance your therapy experience.
 
Oh, and beware of rhyming rules such as "feeling the pain, before healing the pain." Remember, "If the gloves don't fit, you must acquit?"  Sometimes things that sound good lead us to undesirable outcomes. There is no time or feeling requirement in healing. Some take longer and some heal quickly. Beliefs that you should feel more or should be over it by now will only complicate your mind and hinder you brain's own natural healing capabilities. -- Greg Cason, PhD

Comments

[Esther]

I am a great representer of Aids busceae i have had family members die from it and the big question is, is also Mother Africa going to die of Aids? somebody better do something about it, she is the last result in this fucked up world and she's holding it in her ARMS if she goes down you are ALL COMING DOWN WITH HER!!!!!WAR IS [expletive deleted]

[Hans]

That feeling is so hard to shake, even when you look at how you are blesesd. I think it's to keep you moving forward. But I will say this, even now, as a mom of two with a wonderful husband? I still feel like there is something I am missing, something I need to do and I just don't know what it is!!

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