Q: One of my new year's resolutions was to finally get a healthy, long term relationship. I'm fit, healthy 40 something gay man, and the only obstacle Im feeling to achieving this is I'm HIV positive (also have herpes). I can't get past the shrinking dating pool and stigma I still feel over this. I've been to many support groups but I want to not be hindered by this, or labeled by it, and that's all we seem to talk about. How can I get past this and enjoy dating again? Thank you.
A: You believe that having HIV and Herpes makes you less datable? Let's throw being 40 in there while we're at it! And, there are probably a few more reasons others will turn you down: hair color, height, race, shoe size. The fact is that people discriminate in the dating world. If you want a relationship, you have to navigate those waters without letting it sink your ship.
Now I'm not saying having HIV and Herpes isn't a big deal. It is. And, if you want to find someone who will love you for the man that you are, then you want to include that piece of news in the the total package. Though most will probably not jump for joy, they will understand that with proper medical and other care, these conditions are highly manageable and won't impact the majority of your life together. They will also know that this information demonstrates you are responsible for you health and body because you took the time to get tested, get treatment, work on psychologically adjusting, and informing potential partners. Your actions demonstrate a strength to handle a situation that many are afraid they cannot.
You may continue to encounter people who, because of fear or ignorance (or both), will allow news of a positive diagnosis to break an otherwise good connection. So be it. The truth is, they are giving you the gift of freedom, rather than weighing you down by their psychological baggage. If your support group is giving you the same rap as your closed-minded suitors, then it's time to shake them up. Take your group out for a drink or dancing. You will look a whole lot more attractive with a smile on your face and dancing with your friends than you will isolated in a room having a pity party. --Greg Cason, PhD
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