Shout Out Health

ASK THE DOC: Should I discuss my sex life with my doctor?

Q: I'm a single guy in my 20s and I am also sexually active. I really like my doc, but I'm afraid to talk to her about my sex life. I feel ashamed or embarrassed, but she doesn't ask me about it, either.  How should patients initiate these conversations with their doctors?  

A: You are absolutely right that she should be asking you about your sex life. It shouldn't be your responsibility to bring it up but, nice as she is, it doesn't sound like she's asking enough questions to thoroughly take care of you. But you can help her! You might say something such as, "I feel fine but would you please test me for STDs? I know that there are a lot of things out there that I might be vulnerable to." 

Or, if that's too much, you could try something more subtle, like, "I'm dating someone new, is there anything I should worry about these days?" (hopefully she will pick up the hint). If all else fails you might try something like, "What is syphilis?" to initiate the conversation.

But the botton line is, you should not feel embarrassed or ashamed. You are smart to think about it and want your doctor to think about it, too! Good luck. -- Susan Ball, MD

ASK THE THERAPIST: Sexy, good looking...and have no friends?

 Q: I'm a very good looking gay guy, and everyone I meet pretty much wants to sleep with me. The problem is, I don't have any real friends. I can't ever just talk to guys or hang out, everyone seems to want to take it further. I'm lonely as a result. Any advice?

A: My guess is that you haven't been good-looking very long because you haven't learned to appropriately handle your attractiveness with others.  Maybe you've recently lost weight, had a nose job, or started wearing flattering clothing.  Whatever it is, you seem to have it going on if now EVERYONE wants to sleep with you.  Truthfully, I've never met someone that hot --even Angelina Jolie has her detractors (albeit fewer than most).  But here goes...

First, realize that good looks are a form of power.  Though your letter only focuses on problems, the truth is that people who are good-looking have an advantage in this world. Doors open for them, jobs are offered to them, and people want to be with them.  That power is fleeting and can easily change with too much food, drink, or drugs.  Even with the greatest of care, aging takes its toll and looks fade.  What may seem annoying now will one day be missed.

Second, what your mama told you is correct, beauty truly is only skin deep.  Generally being very good looking may bring the boys to you, but it if you don't offer more than that, then the only the shallow ones will stay.  What more do you have to offer besides your looks?  Are you kind, generous, and thoughtful?  Have you developed your mind with education or squandered it on re-runs?  What lies beneath the skin is the real secret to true beauty.  If you don't have any real friends, maybe you don't offer more than just a pretty shell.

Third, get a reality check.  If people only see you as a sex object, then you need to get a friend, therapist, or concerned citizen to tell you what it is about you that gives off that signal.  Do you dress in tight or revealing clothing?  Do you make longer than appropriate eye contact?  Do you touch or otherwise flirt with people with whom you are not attracted?  While there is nothing inherently wrong with any of these things, all of these things may lead the naive observer to think you want treated like a sexual object.  For someone like Blanche DuBois, or Blanche Devereaux for that matter, that could be a good thing.  But if that is not your desired effect, then you need to adjust your dress and behavior.

Now my assignment to you: watch how beautiful women act in the world.  Attractive women are hit upon far more frequently than attractive men.  Watch how they handle themselves. These women do things that may sometimes appear rude, but later you realize their behavior is adaptive. They may not make eye contact with some.  They may appear focused on something or someone else.  They dress according to the circumstance and never in a way that is out of place or out of context.  They don't look around to see who is looking at them, they understand that attention is on them always and act accordingly. They send out subtle signals that they are not available – except to their companions to whom they give their undivided attention.  When approached, they politely decline and return to what they were doing.  They treat others, whether it is a corporate mogul or service person, with dignity and respect – but not flirtation. They use their beauty when they need to, but put it back in their holster immediately. They project and ease and confidence that both make them appear comfortable yet unapproachable. Watch and learn.

My greatest concern for you is not your looks.  I know that they, like all good things, will come to an end.  But, friendships and relationships last a lifetime. If you don't have them, it's time to stop blaming what's on the outside and start looking within. -- Greg Cason, PhD

Your Daily Dose: Back Off, Bullies! Healthy Headlines, Hormone Therapy...and More

Don't have time to find today's hottest health headlines? Here's what making news as we speak (we opt for the upbeat or amusing, when at all possible, you can find all the bad news on CNN, right?)... Enjoy!

HORMONE THERAPY: Happy Tuesday!

I NEED A HERO: Quinn signs anti-bullying law...

I NEED A HERO 2: Google helps gay workers with health tax...

MUST READ: Homophobia hampers HIV research...

MUST READ 2: ALA: LGBT smoking stats aren't pretty...

MIND BODY: Guided meditation cleansing and wellness video