Q: I'm trying to expand my social life in healthy ways, and find more like-minded people, but I'm a bit shy, so I'm more comfortable playing it safe. I'm 34, have a good career but my social life sucks, and I'm not a bar person. Any advice?
A: I think it's safe to say you’re not alone. You’re probably in the majority, actually. But how do you get to the you’s of the world? How do you get off The Island of Misfits and into a life that has the kind of friends and support you’re longing for? How do you overcome the shyness that seems to creep up when you’re in social situations that intimidate you?
To me, building a social life takes a certain kind of muscle. To get started, make it easy. Make it light and fun. When you’re trying to come out of your shell, don’t try to live by “no pain, no gain.” Nope. That approach will only push you deeper into yourself. But know this: shyness that goes unchallenged leads to isolation so push back on it a bit.
Here’s a tip: When you’re looking for friends, go to the places that make you happy. Put yourself in environments that relax you or inspire you. When you’re in a place that lights you up, you’re way more likely to connect with others because, well, you’re lit up. Ever heard of MeetUp.com? It’s a great concept. It’s built on the premise of pulling like minded people together. Check it out. The idea is go where your people are. What do you love to do? Go there.
I moved to New York City when I was 40 years old. I knew two people. I made it my mission to meet people. How’d I do it? I turned it into a game; a game I’m still playing. As soon as I connect with someone, I exchange cards. Then I follow up (most people never do this) within a day or so. From there we go have a drink. A lot of times it ends there but many times it turns into a pretty cool friendship.
A few other ideas:
- Get a dog (hell, borrow one). Dog walkers always connect.
- Throw a party with a few pals. Have each person bring someone to introduce to the group. You can quickly turn 4 people into 8.
- Use your job as a way to connect. Invite someone new from your office to lunch.
At the end of the day, social confidence is a muscle. So get into the gym and build the muscle. Start with the easy weights but do challenge yourself. Don’t worry so much about the results at first, just get in there and start finding a new way of being with people. Lastly, take yourself off the hook. You do not have to be that guy that has all the friends. You might be someone who thrives with a small group of friends. Beautiful. On the other hand, you may discover when you get into it that you’re better at connecting than you think and soon you might have a group of friends that requires a social secretary.
Feel free to contact me privately via this link if you'd like more, and good luck! -- John Dulworth, CPC
Interesting, I get really tired of the catty social scene too but thought that's all there is, too competitive and stressful..i like this...
Posted by: Kazz | 05/18/2010 at 12:45 PM
im a bit of a shy person and have to your tips are pretty much what i did and would you believe it my social life was rescued, i even found my boyfriend doing this
Posted by: edward @ ecg supplier | 05/25/2010 at 05:05 AM
nice!
Posted by: Ana | 09/10/2011 at 11:43 PM
Your advice to go to places that make you happy is right on. Find places that help you relax and where you feel comfortable and confident.
Posted by: Shyness | 01/29/2015 at 08:34 PM