Q: I've had lots of therapy, career counseling, and even personal training in the gym, but sometimes I still feel like I don't know what specifically to do when I lose confidence, feel anxious or have moments of low self esteem. Do I need a life coach to keep me on track? In short, I'm looking for work (I was laid off last year), feeling anxious about the future and the days keep slipping by it seems. Is getting life on track a matter of discipline or motivation or something else?
A: Wow. Your question is honest and raw. I get it. The short answer is, yes, a coach can totally help you stay on track. But let’s hit the pause button for a moment and look at where you are. Confidence and a strong sense of self are way more accessible when things are going in the right direction; when the major pieces of your life are in place. But remove a cornerstone like a career (hello?) and whammo, you’re face to face with an emotional perfect storm. Even if you followed all of Suze Orman’s advice and
planned for an event just like this, losing your job is going to stir up a lot of stuff; fear, doubt, insecurity, and dooms day scenarios of living on the street. It’s designed to do that.
But here’s the deal--all that work you’ve done on yourself, the time, the money, the introspection and effort, all of that has given you a foundation from which to live your life; to deal with the unexpected. You have tools to lean into. Now is the time to access and use them. Without the investment you’ve made in yourself both physically and emotionally, this time would be even more difficult. Take that in. You are a stronger person because you invested in you. And that is the wisest investment you can make (sorry, Suze). Still, this is just a nice idea when you open your eyes in the morning to find yourself spooning Fear and cuddling with Doubt. In that moment, how do you access the gifts and the tools from all that work you’ve done on yourself? You move into action.
To answer your question, getting life on track is a matter of discipline and motivation as well as the right support. But the rub is, discipline and motivation aren’t our natural states especially when panic is setting in. In a perfect storm like this, don’t expect discipline and motivation to come knocking on your door. You will have to manufacture them and cultivate them. I know, I get it, it’s hard.
How do you do it?
Move into and stay in action. Action is the cure for fear. Getting life on track, getting you on track, is a matter of feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Getting on track is about surrounding yourself with support. It’s about feeding yourself outside thinking that will help you develop your strengths and tools (what are you reading?). It’s about working with a coach, or a mentor, or an accountability buddy, or all of these. It’s about getting up and going to the gym especially and even when you don’t want to. It’s about carrying a light heart and attitude. It’s about every day being in action in some way towards your solution. And when you’re not, because there are days when you won’t be, when you give into the fear and cave into the doubt, when they seem so real and true that you can’t leave your apartment let alone look at monster.com one more time. Then you take a deep breath and understand that this is hard and this is a part of it too. Then you pick yourself up and get back into the game again. Why? Because in the end, you want to. Oh, and you’re way stronger than you’re telling yourself.
Here's an action plan for dealing with anxious times:
· Move a muscle, change a thought. Make play & exercise a part of every day. It burns off anxiety and relieves fear.
· Take care of the basics; eat well, sleep 7 to 8 hours a night, hydrate, moderate your alcohol.
· Surround yourself with support. Coaches, mentors, therapists, accountability buddies, friends who have gone through the same thing can all help.
· Lean into your tools. We all have tools to help us through the tough times. Pull them out and use them.
· Manage your inner dialogue. Just because you think it doesn’t mean it’s true.
· Life happens for you not to you. Difficult times are times to practice getting stronger. They are your hard days at the gym. Lean into them. You’re way stronger than you think.
Check out my blog for a deeper exploration of these topics. -- John Dulworth, CPC
I can relate to this big time, but where can you find healthy friends who are into this stuff, most people I know would roll their eyes, kinda cynical... thanks
Posted by: Kazz | 04/19/2010 at 11:55 AM
The short answer is keep looking. We do find what we look for. Stay true to what is important to you - talk about what matters to your heart and your mind and your experience. Let your friends rise up to your level. If they don't, then maybe a little house cleaning is in order. Don't be shy to model a different way of being in the world, ok? That doesn't mean becoming some little better-than-thou-know-it-all. It just means be your best self and let them figure it out. You can also look for groups that model your way of being in the world. Ever explored meetup.com? Check it out. Call me if you want some additional support around this.
Posted by: John Dulworth | 04/20/2010 at 03:36 PM
Hi All and a deepfelt and suaegrlpd hello to you RayPlease excuse me for not following the yarnSome years ago you gave to me as we sat together sharing our thoughts and feelings a small medal which had the inscription IADOMRay our paths may have separated over the past years, however I have never forgotten your love and guidence.Today I am still on the journey of life and I would have to say that you have had a huge roll in my growth.I am not living up to the expectations of those around me or pretenting that i'm the perfect example of a program which I undertook.I am me and my relationship with God is true and steadfast. I am glad to be alive and live life with more selfworth selftrust, selfrespect and selfawareness.Though the trials of health I have had to date overcome and the silliest of mistakes I have made as I let go of the faith which saved me and turned my whole life around.I still grab my guitar every now and then and play the songs that I taught myself from the music books as I hid in the chapel and sort after the peace and healing that I so needed. Just as the yarn about Humpy Dumpy I so enjoyed hearing you tell.I was put back together and there has been times I forgot that.I wanted to walk on my own 2 feet and control my will, I lost the vision of restoration I had and believe that evryone would always point out the cracks and the glue. I forgot that I was recrafted perfectly and beautifully and I placed the judgements and opinions of others, over the miracle which I was to my loving creator.I love who I am today and I had to learn to stand alone with the Love that created me.Today I may no longer wear my uniform, nevertheless because of the inspiration and always reliable trustworthy guidence leadership and friendship that you showed me I will always be in the battle with you.I know you deserve the position you have been elected to and I am so glad,I will always think of you and your family and miss you heapsYou were right IT ALL DEPENDS ON ME God be with you in your hearts and minds as you honour his commandents and Seek his and only his face so that he can reach out and touch the needs of those around you though your obedienceChris Bail
Posted by: Rabby | 07/06/2012 at 11:11 AM