ASK THE THERAPIST: I like being single, is that weird?

Q:  I'm in my 40s, and unlike most of my friends (most who dread Valentine's Day, for example), I'm really fine with being single. What is the obsession with pairing off or getting candy or flowers, anyway? If I get swept off my feet one day, great, but I don't feel like a pariah because I'm single, either. Is there something wrong with me?

A: Not only is there nothing wrong with you, but you may be the paragon of mental health amongst your friends!  Valentine's day is a nice reminder to us to spend some extra time and energy toward those with whom we are in a romantic relationship.  It has become a "Hallmark Holiday" associated with sending cards
and flowers.  So the commercial aspect has ruined it for many and they disregard it even if they are in a relationship.  Personally, I associate it with elementary school and giving tiny greeting cards and small candy hearts with cutsie sayings to all my classmates (even those of the same sex)... but I digress.   

What your friends are doing is taking a rather benign day and turning it on their own perceived shortcomings -- here, being single.  You, on the other hand, do not view being single as a shortcoming.  You are saying you WANT a relationship, but are also fine being single.  That is rational.  It appears your friends DEMAND a relationship, and view being single and any reminder of it (such as Valentine's Day) as an indication of inadequacy on their part.  Thus, to not be inadequate, they MUST be in a relationship.  This creates desperation and lack of confidence.  And, I don't know of anything more repulsive to available singles than desperation and lack of confidence.  Thus, the cycle continues and your friends remain single for the next Valentine's Day.

But, just because you are single does not mean you have to be alone.  Until you have someone you want to buy a bouquet of Gerber Daises and low-carb chocolates, then use the day to celebrate your friendships.  Remind yourself of the importance of those around you and spend time with them or just to send them a "Happy VD" card and have a little chuckle.  Then, when you do find a relationship (and with your positive attitude, I imagine that day will come), see Valentine's Day as a commercial holiday that is nice but not necessary, and that the real work of relationships happens the other 364 days of the year.
-- Greg Cason, PhD

Comments

[single dad]

I am a single dad. I've tried hard to save our marriage but what for. Being single is not a weird thing.

[Silvana]

Nope only WA and FL. Some individual cpnoamies may cover it and MVA's should be covered, but not personal health ins.You'll get to have a totally cash practice!! which is much better than dealing with the low paying insurance cpnoamies here in WA.

[Isabel]

, do we not have the law of gravity? we do,do we not have the law of ntarue? we do. That being said, when have we seen a alternative relationship between ntarue? So lets continue, You quote a list of your theology, your theolgy is of a carnal mind and thought. Our FATHER in Heavens law is spiritual, JOHN Chapter 4 verses 22,23,24.You confess you are 100% Christian yet in your theology you quote not one biblical chapter or verse to justify your actions so i will help you. Your lifestyle, read ROMANS Chapter 1 verses 21,22,23,24. How about II TIMOTHY Chapter 3 verses 1 thru 7. These are all from KJV 1611. Our FATHER in Heavens word is a personal love letter to each and everyone of us. Sadly the churches today teach traditions of men and lead so many good people astray and put yokes/guilt upon their necks that their fathers can't even carry. 1st EPISTLE of JOHN Chapter 4 verses 1 thru 3, Try the spirits whether they are of GOD, anyone that does not confess with their mouth that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is NOT of GOD. These are not my words but our FATHER in heavens words. Look forward to hearing your response if you see fit.

[Hilario]

I have been in and out of therapy for the last 20 years. I'm 33; I was first taken to a tsheapirt at 13. There were years when I needed it and got it; years when I didn't need it ; and years when I needed it but didn't get it :) I have had terrible tsheapirts and excellent tsheapirts. Dr. Helen, your comments are spot-on, but I think there needs to be a bit more to say, because when you're in trouble, or in crisis, or afraid, or depressed or TERRIFIED of having a shrink lock you in a mental ward, it's difficult to trust your own judgments.I'd add the following:your comment about "they need to like you" is so important. At one point, I moved cities and had multiple people, including tsheapirts, recommend the same new tsheapirt to me in the new town. On my first appt with her, I explained that I worked at a defense contractor creating Chem-bio-rad sensor systems and her response was "well, at least you don't work on weapons systems, some people have to." Er, she didn't even NOTICE her bias, her judgment of me--and i like weapons systems and shooting my pistols, etc. I never went back, because she wasn't going to like ME, and no matter how great she was, it'd be a disaster.continuing your list:6) Find a tsheapirt who is as bright as you. Some of us are of average intelligence. Some of us are REALLY SMART. Certain mental issues happen more to people who over think, over analyze, are highly sensitive, etc. some mental disorders seem to only occur to high-IQ people. But there aren't IQ tests for tsheapirts. Therapists can be taught about the mind, but that doesn't make them all brilliantly insightful. If you're more insightful than your tsheapirt, FIND ANOTHER ONE.7) Find one who has a sense of humor that you relate to. This comes over time, of course, because the issue is about trust, but if you have a witty or slightly biting sense of humor, find a shrink who does to. Yes, it's possible that a patient is misusing humor or sarcasm, but a doctor who never uses those things and can't find the same things humorous isn't someone you can relate to. If you find that humor offputting, find a shrink who doesn't use it either. I knew I could trust my shrink when she joked that if I ended up in a mental ward, she'd bake me a cake with a file in it.8) Don't assume that all training is similar. If you have some real issues where you're afraid of being hospitalized, find a psychologist who has dealt with patients who needed hospitalization--they will have VASTLY better calibrated senses of your crisis or level of need than a young family counselor or social worker. If you have real anxiety issues, find someone who has worked with a VARIETY of techniques to address anxiety, not just one. If you have seuxal abuse issues, find a shrink who has dealt with those issues over and over again in a variety of contexts. Basically, you want a shrink who is never shocked by anything you say, because they've seen worse before :) that will keep you calm, when you're afraid of how shocking your issues are.9) Therapy should treat a PERSON, not a disease. Yes, you may need a specific diagnosis for insurance purposes, but if your tsheapirt makes you feel like all that is happening is a disease is being treated, then you are still being defined by that disease. Therapy is more than that.10) If you are lying to your tsheapirt, well, sometimes, that happens. But if you aren't getting more honest over time, something's wrong, and often it means the relationship with the tsheapirt isn't gelling. See number 5.btw, I also had little or no insurance coverage during those times, and had years in college when I was afraid of what it would do to my future if anyone knew I saw a shrink, so I refused to use insurance even if I could have. I spent 40k on therapy, and it was the BEST INVESTMENT IN MY LIFE. sure, 10k of that was probably entirely wasted, but still, it was worth it. I've tried to explain why therapy worked, but all I can figure out is that the relationship helped me to get better at living--I was able to actually create a relationship the way I wanted, and to have it thrive. Somehow, that helped me. It happened twice, with two different shrinks, and it was amazing.