Q: My resolution this year was to lose weight and feel better about my physical self when I'm out on dates. But I find myself losing motivation now, because most straight men I know certainly aren't perfect and they can find hot girlfriends quite easily. I'm kind of resentful about the higher expectations as a gay man in the dating game, and I'm losing motivation to reach my goal. How can I get re-motivated to get in shape? Is this something for my therapist or a life coach?
A: Great question. But before I jump into your weight, let me briefly address the difference between a coach and a therapist at least from the perspective of this coach. I do this with the understanding that each coach and each therapist approaches their craft a little differently and so the lines that divide are not as much black and white as they are shades of gray.
The way I explain the difference between coaching and therapy is that the therapeutic process helps us find wholeness by healing past emotional trauma. Coaching focuses on personal growth and change and strategic planning. A handy metaphor is found in the car. In therapy, the therapist and the client use the rear view mirror to look into the past to understand how the client got to the present. The coach will look forward with the client, determine where they want to go and how best to get them there. As a coach, I have found enormous support with my therapists over the years even as I am grateful to have found the profession of coaching, which is allows me to make a difference in my client’s lives.
Now on to your question! There are 3 action steps here I'd suggest to you:
If it’s important to you, I say lose the weight. Get the body you want. But do it because of how it will make YOU feel. Trim up because, well, you’ll just plain feel better. You’ll have more energy, sleep better, think better thoughts, have more confidence and feel proud of yourself. Do it, but do it because you’ll be the beneficiary of all those gifts. Really, it’s a fantastic resolution. The reason your motivation is waning – to me – is because you’ve tied your goal to something that is too far outside of yourself. I’m wondering if the real reason you want to lose weight is so that you can find love (Hello? Recipe for resentment). If this is the case then I would argue you’re giving your power away. I say make your purpose super personal and let the love come as a result. You’re right, living in a body that makes you happy, means you will show up with more confidence on a date and because you’re more confident you’ll attract a different kind of man but let that be the icing on the cake not the central driving force.
As far as gay men having to adhere to a higher standard, there may be some truth in that. And maybe not. Either way, it’s something you are telling yourself. It’s a part of your inner dialogue and it is siphoning off your energy and motivation. Drop it. Let it go. It’s not serving you. The fact is, you could be overweight and still meet the man of your dreams. Whenever we set out on a new resolution or promise, what determines our success or our failure comes down to one thing: what we believe. What we believe determines the kind of life we have, the kinds of relationships we have, the success in any endeavor we undertake.
Beliefs are powerful! To understand what is determining your success around dating, I say, go on a belief hunt. Take out a piece of paper and write down everything you believe to be true about the dating process. Let ‘er rip. Don’t edit it. Get down and dirty. We need to know what is in there. You might start with: “I can’t have love (or be happy for that matter) until I lose weight” (yikes) Get every single one down; the good, the bad and the ugly. Then step back and take a look at what you have. Each belief represents something you’re telling yourself about what is possible for you around love. What do you notice about your beliefs? Do they empower or disempowered you? Do they excite you, open doors for you, encourage you? Or do you feel exhausted and resentful? Perhaps you have some of both kinds of beliefs. Either way, the point is to know what is driving your experience. From here you can begin to make the shifts necessary to have the kind of experience you’ve been longing for all along.
Good luck and keep me posted on your progress. -- John Dulworth, CPC
I got motivated to your blog because I myself knew that I'm Fat. Thanks for such encouraging blog..
Posted by: cystitis | 02/24/2010 at 12:45 PM
This was a pertinent post. an interesting and well-written article! I came across your post while trying to find a source for health-related topics. This is valuable information presented in a clear, concise manner. Your posts always show me that you really have some indepth knowledge about this. Quite a valuable read i must say.
Regards,
Yolanda
Posted by: Dentist Thousand Oaks | 02/26/2010 at 02:21 AM
Thank you for writing such a great reply! I love the idea of self-help, and next time I don't feel like going to the gym I'll think about what I've read tonight.
Posted by: Tim | 02/27/2010 at 04:14 AM
Hi John, i really learned something here, look forward to your next column, but enjoyed this one a lot...
Posted by: Wayne | 03/02/2010 at 06:24 PM
enjoyed this...I totally agree on the getting a date thing, but like you said, do it for YOU right? im over 30 now and gettin to the gym because Im lookn for compliments gets old, fast...
Posted by: Bo | 03/02/2010 at 07:03 PM
HIV is a sickness that is not exvsluice to gay people and just like straight promiscuous people, promiscuous gay people are the most affected by HIV.But lets not remember that there's thousands of straight people infected with HIV just because they had sex with a prostitute (or a stranger female) without using a condom.
Posted by: Lore | 05/28/2012 at 06:48 PM
Chevy HHR is an awesome chocie. I test drove my buddies and was very impressed with it. My dad has a Chrysler PT Cruiser and there is no comparison to how much better the Chevy is built and feels driving it. If you are one of those people that don't want to buy a GM product now the Toyota van is awesome too but will cost a lot more than the Chevy. Hope I have been helpful.
Posted by: Jazmin | 07/05/2012 at 06:02 AM
4 countries (now) and a few more years sulohd (fingers crossed) shut down alot of the arguements We've had 2 years of same sex marriages and no doom has befallen us.It's safe to say anything is evil when it's not out in the light of day to show otherwise, consistently.Did you know in 2 BC the Roman Empire first wrote into law marriage contracts for only the richest of their folk. They included those rights to same sex couples in 1 BC. It was only in 1536 (close to it) that the church got involved .As far as our culture , how can we feel good about ourselves 24/7 (and act accordingly) when we are constantly being bombarded with stupidity and lies? ..we are only human, too.(Do I think letting the bastards win be acceptable .NO but I have alot more pissiness in me than fuck it, life's too hard .but that is another speech Our culture is up to us to define, not those who hate/fear us..and the ramifiacations if the truth were to shine)Imagine a church having to advertise that they descriminate cause that is how this will play out.I have to say ..being equal is abit strange but something I can get used to.
Posted by: Caio | 07/08/2012 at 01:53 AM
I enjoyed your tnartmeet of a serious subject in a humerous way.My website, CounselingSeattle.com, actively campaigns against Washington State counselors who appear to be using misleading "generic acronyms" in their credentials to con the public into believing the counselor has unearned licensure or certification. In its "Call to Action" section, members of the public are encouraged to contact offending counselors in person, by telephone or email and ask them why they are engaging in such misleading activities.In 2007, CounselingSeattle.com is focusing on the unethical use of MHC and MFT as in “John Doe, MA, MHC, MFT.” MHC in this instance is used by counselors with the justification "Mental Health Counseling is what I do!" Ethical standards require that counselor credentials (or initials) should be limited to those awarded by national certifying agencies or to licenses issued by the state. The meaningless "MHC" could by used by anyone regardless of training or education level, and easily be confused with "LMHC"-- Licensed Mental Health Counselor.CounselingSeattle.com holds that the use of MFT is unethical when used in counselor credentials and justified by the counselor with the "Marriage and Family Therapy is what I do" excuse. Again, anyone can use "MFT" regardless of education or background and is unethical and unprofessional because it resembles the LMHT credential which refers to "Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists."In listing counselors who use MFT in their websites, CounselingSeattle.com tries to eliminate those who identify themselves as MFTs even though they are actually licensed. Such counselors have higher qualifications but are too dense to realize (1.) they run the risk of being confused with less qualified persons, and (2.) the importance of clearly identifying themselves as LMFTs. The CounselingSeattle.com campaign has been carried out with the broad support from members of the public and by professional counselors. CounselingSeattle.com locates and publishes a list of the counselors it believes to be making use of unethical or unprofessional use of these acronyms and identifies them by name, website, email address and telephone numbers. Concerned members of the public are encouraged to contact the counselors directly and register their disapproval and disgust. Offending counselors complain that they are being bullied, but in 2006, more than 83% have removed the offending acronyms from their websites. (When this happens, all identifying material is removed from the page except the initials of the counselor's name.)[Just search Google.com for "unprofessional counselor" or "unethical counselor" for more information or to help eliminate these misleading practices.]Sincerely,Floyd Else, MA, LMHC, UTJAW (An unauthorized acronyn for "Upholder of Truth Justice and the American Way!" and an example of initials that should not appear in counselor credentials).Webmaster: www.CounselingSeattle.com
Posted by: Daphne | 08/04/2012 at 08:32 PM
You should coesidnr filling out our form for help. After you fille out the form, on the success page, there is an option to download our Recovery Tips booklet. That is a start. And we have counselors that can be contacted for more assistance. Please call or write any time!
Posted by: Xuan | 08/05/2012 at 11:29 AM