Q: I'm a black gay
man living in New York City. In a few weeks I turn 50 years old. While turning 30
was difficult--I had to reconcile where I thought I'd be at that point
with where I really was--turning 40 was quite easy. I knew who I was and was
quite comfortable with myself. But this upcoming birthday has me quite
anxious. I don't know where I fit in any more.
A: It has been more than a
decade since I was last in anything even approximating a relationship
and if it weren't for masturbation, I'd have no sex life at all. I was
never much for bars and clubs and have even less inclination to be in
them now that I'm seen as "that old guy." My peers are either coupled
up or have given up and become homebodies. I'm in good physical shape
and have a good professional life, but I'm now terrified of becoming
that single, solitary, celibate old gay guy for the rest of my days.
I'm becoming more than a little depressed.
Aging
sucks. There, I said it. More wrinkles, fat that never leaves, aching
knees, and hair that seems to move from your head to your ears. And
that's just the physical part! Furthermore, baring any physical or
mental illness, emotionally we tend to feel less depressed, less
hostile, less shy, and overall more emotionally stable. Yes, you can
reread that, I said less depressed, less hostile, less shy, and more
emotionally stable.
Hallelujah! There is at least something good about getting older!
So why aren't you feeling better? You used a lot of words in your question, but never actually said want you wanted and why you wanted it (and maybe that is part of your problem). So, let me extrapolate. You want a relationship so that you won't be the pathetic, miserable, lonely old grump that you apparently judge single guys to be in your situation that are past "a certain age."
Trouble is, that is not a good reason to get a relationship. It's a selfish one. To be in a relationship, you must first become someone with whom you would like to wake up next to. Sure you have a great job and a good body, but what's inside? Are you interesting to other people? Are you interested in other people? What are the things in life that you value? Did you vote in the last election? Rather than looking for someone to fill your emotional void, become the person you have always wanted to be and fill that void yourself.
Fifty is not old. Though, if you're trying to date gents in their 20's, it might seem that way. But, try telling someone who is 80 that you are over the hill -- you'll get a dirty look you won't soon forget! Here is my assignment to you (and being in NYC, you can do this!): volunteer at an agency that services gay senior citizens and make a one-year commitment. Take them to lunch, play backgammon, and listen to their stories. Find that single, solitary, celibate old gay guy that you fear becoming and really get to know him. Listen how he forged a path in this world that you can now walk down openly and proudly. Pay him back with the kindness and respect he deserves. And while you're at it, get some good old-fashioned psychotherapy to help you push yourself toward new challenges and not get so tied up in your troubled thoughts.
Then check back with me and tell me how that year has changed you.-- Greg Cason, PhD