ASK THE THERAPIST: Help! I'm married to a woman, but am attracted to men...

Q: I have recently become bisexual without the knowledge of my wife. I have had feelings for other men since I was in my teens which I attribute to the fact that i was sexually abused as a boy. Be that as it may, I am stuck with same sex feelings which have lead me to many countless hours of surfing internet porn at work.

I also have gay wet dreams. I also surf dating sites (men seeking men classifieds). I have now had various forms of "safe sex" with four guys. In my surfing, I came across sites which all promote admitting your feelings and fulling your same sex desires.

My wife would be horrified if she found out. I do love her and feel bad deep down that I am an adulterer. That's where my question comes in; is my own sexual pleasure more important than hers? I would gladly stop cheating and risk losing her by coming clean if I could find the strength. I would prefer to be straight if I could. To me this is a moral issue.

But can a person change their sexuality?

A: If your wife loved exhibitionism and could not get those needs met with you, would you mind if she became a stripper and did some private lap dances now and then?  Besides, lap dances are a form of "safe-sex!" Is it OK for her to do this without your knowledge, especially if she thinks telling you would "horrify" you?  Would you rather be an ostrich with its head in the sand?

I agree with you, this is an issue of morality--and yours is a problem. When you got legally married, you agreed to share your life with another person; the details of that agreement is between the two of you.  But, clearly you believe your behavior would violate that agreement. But it appears your solution is to have your desire to have sex with men taken away so that you will no longer have the behavior.

So let's be clear about something: Sexual orientation (such as being gay, bisexual, or heterosexual) is not a choice, it is also not changeable.  But sexual behavior (such as cheating on your wife) is a choice and can be changed. 

I applaud you for recognizing there is a problem and not hiding behind the cloak of righteous indignation that many in your position do.  I believe that if you wanted to stop this behavior, you would have done so by now.  You are being tortured by the fight between your desire to have physical closeness with other men and the desire for continued emotional closeness with your wife.  Unless you get agreement for a different arrangement from your wife, you can't have it both ways. Unless your wife agrees to allow you to go outside of the relationship for male sexual gratification, you are cheating on her.  But, don't count on her giving you a green light; people don't like when a relationship is started under false pretenses and then is fundamentally changed midstream. 

It's time for you to have compassion for both your wife and yourself. Your wife is a victim and she doesn't even know it.  I think it's time to come clean about your sexuality and your desires. Then you need to be prepared for the most difficult conversation of your life. But if you want to help her and the relationship heal, then you must open up and be there for her.  I suggest you tell her at a time when there is nothing going on for the rest of the day and the nothing scheduled the day after.  Then, I suggest you tell her when and where there will be no interruptions.  And, be prepared to answer her questions openly and honestly. 

If you want to involve a therapist, schedule a meeting for the two of you the day after you tell her.  I DON'T suggest telling her in a therapist's office because your wife may feel even more humiliated being told in front of another person.  And, don't fall into the trap of letting your emotions get the best of you and promising you will never have sex with men again in order to preserve your marriage--you have already shown that you could not resist this. 

If your wife wishes to continue the relationship, then the two of you will have to decide how things will change.  As your partner, your wife deserves an equal voice in this relationship.  The only way her voice doesn't count is if you are divorced.   As for being bisexual, it is time to start treating yourself (including your sexual orientation) with love and dignity, rather than shame and regret.  For now, stop cheating on your wife and start showing her the love and dignity she deserves as well. -- Greg Cason, PhD

Comments

[Paolo]

What does being sexually abused as a boy have to do with being a gay man? This guy is a flake, and it would be best if he stayed in the hetero arena. Gay men have enough baggage and crap to deal with, we do not need another "handicapped" amoung us!

[Jim]

I agree Paolo, he seems confused totally, glad this therapist gave him a reality check...

[Oscar]

Great, non-judgmental advice from your therapist. The dude in question has a responsibility to himself to live an honest life where he respects and loves himself, but he also has a responsibility to the woman he married to be honest and open, and allow her to decide how to proceed with her life -- with all the facts in front of her. The end result may be painful, and may uproot his life, but if he maintains the line of thought that he can only achieve true happiness through self-awareness and living his life as his true self, it's the only way. And while today may be painful, in five years' time, he'll be able to look back on these decisions and be proud of his decision to be himself, and to end any pattern of lying or self-loathing that he's fallen into. Best of luck to you, letter writer, and do come back and let us know how it all works out. There are folks out here rooting for you!

[Online viagra]

I agree with you, this is an issue of morality--and yours is a problem. When you got legally married, you agreed to share your life with another person; the details of that agreement is between the two of you.

[viagra online]

I think that if you already knew your sexual orientation, you shouldnt got marriage, you are starting the marriage with a lie, so pull yourself together and talk with the wife and be honest.

[Marius]

I have not whceatd the program. However what happened here has happened to me and others over the years. You do not even have to be interested in a wm for SOME ww to be mad and go after you. Just talking with them really angers some of them. I decided that I did not care what they did. In my younger days I would do stuff just to provoke them. That is childish to me now. I'm just going to have some fun.

[Simo]

PEPFAR, 10.1million HIV cared forHIV programs for mums saves240,000 bbieas born free of HIV,a 5YR STRATEGIC joint framework of cooperationto combat HIVThis to me are plans with RESULT orientation, you are to applauded for these statistics.At least you are addressing th problem 3wks ago i was told one 19yr in our town had contacted aids, no nation is excemptreading this report has helped alot thank you

[Ramandeep]

(Paperback) When I first found out about this book, I wanted to read it but found mlseyf very disappointed. It does seems to have been written in isolation and does not reflect much of the current literature and ideas around domestic violence.The author seems to want to link the presence of domestic violence, with mental illness or other type of sickness' within the perpetrator. I find this model unhelpful, as it tends to encourage the perpetrator not to accept that he is responsible for his actions, and therefore discourages his need to take responsibility and change. I believe that this philosophy is `old fashioned' and the debates around domestic violence have become much more sophisticated and complex since the 1960 s.It also concentrates more on physical assault and ignores the wider aspects of power and control ie social, financial control, sexual assault etc. I found that his understanding of domestic violence was limited and naive.It's one positive aspect is the fact that it `names' domestic violence in gay male relationships. Many authors are writing about violence in straight relationships, and there are a few who write about violence in lesbian relationships, however the existence of DV in gay male relationships is still in the closet. The presence of this book helps to change that.Overall, I do not find this book to be very helpful for gay men in relationships where domestic violence is a feature.

[pj]

I can relate so much to this ,as I am in pretty much the same apart from the abuse part, some people forget that we grew up in the era where gay is not right bla bla , not sayin its any easier for guys to come out but their is so much help now a days that's why I got married was afraid to let anyone down that's how I felt if I had off came out I thought off it as letting people down but its not as the doc said you can't turn off your feelings like a switch it would be great but life is not like that, I found the docs answer a great help with my issues if their is such thing as true love then I know my wife can forgive me but I know it will be hard and heart breaking , hope I didn't bore anyone

[Raul]

Well, crap. Justin. Let me get this straight. You're gay, and I'm a Christian!?!?! Now I ttlaoly have to unfriend you on Facebook. :/ ****KIDDING**** Actually, even though I think our views sometimes differ, I ttlaoly read this with a lil' smile on my face, but ssshhh don't tell Glenn Beck. I just thought to myself, "How incredibly liberating." You must feel so free. Oh yea, and I love you. H.

[Molly]

ross,I hate to hear that--I hope you can start now saving for rtneremeit and have your company match it. Having no rtneremeit money may have you down more than you know. If you need a therapist again, try to find one who is on your insurance list if possible. If there are only a few names, ask a professional in the area to give you some recommendations for who would be the best for you. Regardless of what a therapist may tell you, money is a factor in treatment--how can you feel comfortable if you feel you are sacrificing your rtneremeit so you can sit in therapy? Dust yourself off and try to get back on track with your savings.

[Muttono]

, "Honey, when you have battered women's, your immnue system is on high alert, your dopamine system is depressed, and your oxytocin/vasopressin receptors are in hiding. You need to go into -- say -- massages or meditation or pills -- whatever it would take to cure the physiological part. Here's the number of an MD who can diagnose."Instead, we had long, empathic discussions but this really didn't do me much good beyond intellectually understanding the entire situation. I feel a good therapist will have an understanding that "nature v. nurture" is important, and that it is important to have an understanding of what physiologically/neurologically/anatomically, you're going through. Keep up the good work, Anon.

[Vasanth]

Regret is never rooted in the past . . reergt is always rooted in an unsatisfactory present. What is it about your present life that you find unsatisfying? Or are you depressed? Your statements about everybody and nobody indicate a mental processing scheme that is a little off. you might be depressed and need help with that, quite separately from the question of being out or not.Is it possible that you are envious of the women around you who have overcome challenges? I am one of the women you talk about, married to a man before I realized I was gay, and I cry regularly at the years and years of pleasure I lost. Some of the women you are talking to who are so casual about that loss might be using their casualness to mask a very serious pain. Or they might have done their inner work, and be at a point where they really have integrated that experience in a wholesome way. But the point is, to be closeted is an experience of loss and darkness. That's why you resisted it so ferociously. The words it wasn't working , which are words I use to describe being straight, cover over years and years and years of alienation and suffering and loss. What is there to be jealous of in my experience of being closeted for so long? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. That was my rocky road and I walked it. Maybe you are looking for your own challenge, but feeling scared about taking it on, so feeling jealous of the challenges of others that really would have been quite easy for you to manage. That could be a kind of convoluted way of both telling yourself what you need to know (i.e., that there's a challenge you need to take on) and hiding it from yourself at the same time (it's someone else's challenge and one that actually would have been quite easy for you to have overcome, as evidenced by your own bravery so far). Maybe you wish that you were someone who had overcome a challenge (that is easy for you).In which case, the relevant question is what challenge are you avoiding right now? Drop the idea that overcoming it is going to be easy. Start engaging it. When you have struggled with your own darkness and prevailed, you will not be jealous of the darkness that others have engaged. You will know what the taste of darkness really is and you will have a sense of yourself as an accomplished person, and when others tell you their stories and seem casual you will know, from your own experience, that the pain others carry is unknowable and that it's best to focus on your own struggle because that's the only one you have any hope with. You will be able to offer true compassion to others because you will know the meaning that those casual words of suffering carry. All the comparison stuff is just a way of distracting yourself from the basic point of your own life. Figure out what your challenge is, and take it on as your own. Then one day you too will be able to talk easily about mountains you have overcome. you have to earn it.