For many gay teens, being bullied is akin with acne and angst—it's part of growing up.
The bully’s menace is equally familiar: The name-calling, the beckoning to meet after school, and the wary walks home, peering over your shoulder. But this horror often doesn't end with adolescence. Studies say that as many as 87% of gay men have a history of verbal harassment, 25% have had objects thrown at them, up to 37% have been chased or followed, and as many as 24% have been physically assaulted (10% with a weapon or object) - all for being perceived as gay.
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Though it is not politically correct to say, the truth is those who have come out at an earlier age and those who are more “obvious” about
their sexual identity, such as boys who have more feminine characteristics, tend to suffer the most abuse. Effeminate or not— whatever the rationale these boys have for identifying you as gay—it does not give anyone permission to harass or bully you.
There are several reasons for anti-gay harassment:
1. Some abusers may be trying to assert their dominance and believe that by putting you down, they are lifting themselves up.
2. Some may be following the teachings or philosophy of their own family, church, or even perceptions of government wishes.
3. Some of them may be trying to impress someone like a girl or the leader of the group that is doing this to you.
Perhaps the scariest reason for harassment is because the person doing the harassing is attracted to you, yet his way of coping is to attack you. The attack is both a reason to interact with you and an attack on that part of him that he hates. These people are not always easy to spot. They can be the roughest characters and are often responsible for the worst attacks. So if you suspect this is the case, don't say it to him, it may only increase his rage.
What to do?
By all means, tell someone, especially if you're a teenager still in school. Find someone who will listen—an out gay teacher, a school counselor, perhaps your own parents. But, choose wisely, as teachers, counselors, and parents themselves have been known to fuel the fire rather than help squelch it. Then, put the school on notice that this is happening and has got to stop. This behavior is not tolerated in the workplace, so it is a wonder why so many allow it to happen on the schoolyard.
Next, you have three choices: Fight, Flight, or Talk. If your urge is to stand up to them, make sure you are prepared to take them on or it will make it worse. Take a martial arts class to learn how to defend yourself and increase your self-confidence. Lift weights. Even the odds. Or enlist a group of friends to be there with you. Size is intimidating, whether it is your muscles or the size of your support group. But, remember, hitting another person is assault, so don't do it unless you absolutely need to defend yourself against a physical attack.
Lots of gay men have learned very young to "fight with words." If this is a way that you believe you can stand up to them, then you might try it. One caveat: If you humiliate them, it will usually only increase their anger. Be prepared to fight another day.
Another option is to avoid these guys. This "flight" option has proven effective for many throughout the years, but it forces you to compromise your life to do so. Staying in groups is one way to avoid if the bully is nearby. Ignoring taunts may work to help to bore the bully and encourage him to move on. If you combine avoidance with getting the school or other authorities involved, you may have the most effective and least costly (to you) means of dealing with this.
And what of the talk option? Many shrinks, maybe your mom, and some teachers might go with talking. It may have worked somewhere, but rarely does it work with boys on the schoolyard. First of all, if the bullying is verbal only, you might consider it. But, males often turn physical when they are angry and have run out of words. So, if there has been physical contact (or the threat of it), forget it. If someone suggests the talking option to you, ask them how they were able to make it work. If they haven't done it themselves, they may be just trying to help you avoid conflict... but they are probably not being realistic.
It is certainly unfortunate that many gays (especially teens) may have to deal with this. Unfortunately, the scars go deeper than the surface of the skin. Gay and bisexual men who have been victimized at school report higher levels of substance abuse, thoughts about suicide, and sexual risk behaviors than those who have not. Don't stay alone - find someone to talk about this. You not only need support physically, but emotionally as well.
-- Greg Cason, PhD
We can't always control how people will act, or what they will say. We can control our reactions, though. It's up to us to choose fight or flight.
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