Q: I
have never had a problem before with sexual performance, but now that I
am with someone that I truly love—and am attracted to—I have seemingly
developed erectile dysfunction.
When
I’m with him sexually, I am never hard enough to even get off, much less
penetrate him. Could this be all in my head (intimacy issues?), or is
there something physically/medically wrong with me?
A: First
things first: get thee to a medical doctor! It’s estimated that half or
more of erectile disorders are at least partly due to physical causes.
Physical or not, there is no doubt that erectile dysfunction also takes a psychological toll. Depression about “failures” and anxiety
about future troubles can take the air out of anyone’s tires. Ask
yourself these questions: Do you function adequately when you
masturbate? Do you wake up with an erection? Exploring these
possibilities can help you determine if there’s a psychological issue
at play here.
Men
often perform best in one of two conditions: when they feel “one” with
their partner or if they can “objectify” him. I assume that you desire
to be emotionally fused with your loved one but are also having
conflicting feelings. Look at your attitudes toward men and sex. Do you view your partner as a “good boy” but associate hot sex with “bad boys?”
And
what’s your mind doing in the bedroom? Brain chatter is often a culprit
here. Are you scrutinizing and judging your every move? Are you
distracted by outside woes (like finances or career)? If so, focus on
your own pleasure rather than trying to please your partner. It may
sound selfish but it will help you to lose any negative brain chatter.
Also,
find out his feelings and share your own. Work out any conflicts. Tell
him what turns you on and share any secret desires or fantasies. If all
else fails, see a couple’s therapist who works with gay mens sexual
issues. Don’t suffer in silence; it’s your happiness (and possibly your
relationship) at stake.
-- Greg Cason, PhD
