Q: Who do so many gay men seem to hate each other? So many of the ads I read on the hook up sites are downright nasty, threatening and clearly full of disdain for anyone but their ideal 'type' and I'm scared to meet anyone. You'd think in this more open era we could all lighten up a bit. Am I overreacting here?
A: It's true, there's a lot of prejudice in the gay community and those that feel oppressed turn right around and oppress others to make themselves feel better. If you see an ad that says something like 'no fats, fems, oldies, druggies, etc., I don't care if you're a fit, fat-free, masculine corporate lawyer who's 30 years old and never taken a drug in your life, run for the hills!
This kind of person has issues that your hot, successful and sober self will NEVER cure. But let's turn this around for a moment; if all you're seeing are ads that list these limitations, then YOUR eyes might need some adjustment. Your assessment may in fact come from your own negative view of yourself, and believing that you are personally being excluded from the fun. If you felt better about yourself, you'd probably see these ads for exactly what they are: someone publiicly airing the fact that they are intolerant and unable to reject someone who makes a move on them.
The best personal ads, whether for sex or for long-term relationships, contain two elements. Specific things about the person placing the ad, including a description and a photo, and a general description of who they're looking for, so people can rules themselves in or out.
Go back and re-read the ads and only focus on those presented in a positive light. While you're at it, why don't you place your own ad, and present yourself as the kind of person you wish other people would be. Good luck!
-- Dr. Greg Cason, PhD
