Shout Out Health

EXCLUSIVE: Are You Being Bullied? Here's what to do (and NOT to do) to stay safer

Is there anyone in the LGBT community that hasn’t come face-to-face with some form of bullying?  The name calling, the beckoning to meet after school, and the wary walk home. Or—as even a quick glance of the shocking headlines of late reminds us--much, much worse consequences.

Anti-gay bullying has also led to a recent string of gay teen and youth suicides that have left the gay community—and the world—reeling (and thankfully, responding quickly to provide much-needed support and outreach with programs like It Gets Better).

The statistics are also shocking: Studies vary widely but some of the numbers tell us that as many as 87% of gay men have a history of verbal harassment, 25% have had objects thrown at them, up to 37% have been chased or followed, and as many as 24% have been physically assaulted (10% with a weapon or object) — all for being perceived as gay (whether in fact they are or not). 

To start to protect yourself, it may help to understand that there are several reasons for antigay harassment. Some offenders may be trying to assert their dominance and believe that by putting you down, they are lifting themselves up. Some may be following the teachings or philosophy of their own family, church, or even perceptions of government wishes.  Some of them may be trying to impress someone like a girl or the leader of the group that is doing this to you. 

Perhaps the scariest reason for harassment is because the person doing the harassing is secretly attracted to you. Yet, his way of coping is to attack you.  The attack is both a reason to interact with you and an attack on that part of himself that he hates. 'N-Sync star (now an out and proud gay man) Lance Bass famously outed himself as verbally bullying gays in his youth in this interview.

Bullies who are secretly attracted to you are not easy to spot. They can be the roughest characters and the most self-righteous and are often responsible for the worst attacks. So if you suspect this is the case, don't tell him you think he is gay, it may only increase his rage.  People like this are deeply conflicted and will often do anything, up to and including violence, to evade suspicion.

But what can you do if you’re being bullied? Here are some suggestions:

TELL SOMEONE: Do not suffer in silence! Find someone who will listen, an out gay teacher, a school counselor, perhaps your own parents. But, choose wisely, as teachers, counselors, and parents themselves have been known to fuel the fire rather than help squelch it.  Then, put the school on notice that this is happening and has got to stop.  This behavior is not tolerated in the workplace, so it is a wonder why so many allow it to happen on the school-yard. 

FIGHT BACK: If your instinct or urge is to stand up to them, make sure you are prepared to take them on or it will make it worse.  Even the odds. Take a martial arts class to teach you how to defend yourself and increase your self-confidence. Lift weights.  And, enlist a group of friends to be there with you.  Size is intimidating, whether it is in body or in group number.  But, remember, hitting another person is assault, so don't do it unless you absolutely need to defend yourself against a physical attack.

Lots of gay men have learned very young to "fight with words."  If this is a way that you believe you can stand up to them, then you might try it.  One caveat.  If you humiliate them, it will usually only increase their anger.  Be prepared to fight another day.

AVOID THEM: Another option is to avoid these guys.  This "flight" option has proven effective for many throughout the years, but it forces you to compromise your life to do so.  Staying in groups is one way to avoid if the bully is nearby.  Ignoring taunts may work to help to bore the bully and encourage him to move on.  If you combine avoidance with getting the school or other authorities involved, you may have the most effective and least costly (to you) means of dealing with this. GLSEN's SafeSpaceKit helps a high school or college kid set up a safe space for gay kids to go and seek refuge and get support.

TALK IS CHEAP: In addition, there’s what I call the talk option. Many shrinks, maybe your mom, and some teachers might go with talking.  It may have worked somewhere, but rarely does it work with boys on the schoolyard.  First of all, if the bullying is verbal only, you might consider it.  But, males often turn physical when they are angry and have run out of words.  So, if there has been physical contact (or the threat of it), forget it.  If someone suggests the talking option to you, ask them how they were able to make it work.  If they haven't done it themselves, they may be just trying to help you avoid conflict... but they are probably not being realistic.

It is certainly tragic that so many (straight and gay) youth have to deal with this. Unfortunately, the scars go deeper than the surface of the skin.  Gay and bisexual men who have been victimized at school report higher levels of substance abuse and sexual risk behaviors than those who have not. And in the extreme, most tragically of all, some feel so hopeless they take their own life.

Remember, don't ever feel that you’re alone – find someone to talk to about your situation, know there are options, and that it gets better. You not only need support physically, but emotionally as well. -- Greg Cason, PhD

 

MIND BODY: Create More Joy, Love and Success in Your Life!

“If you don't listen to others negativity, you can really do incredible things,” says Aleta St. James, a renowned energy healer and author of Life Shift, a comprehensive guide to breaking through emotional blocks and creating optimum health and wellness.

With energy medicine being such a hot topic these days--even Oprah is paying close attention to its healing potential--St. James down with us at her healing studio in New York City to talk about her unique approach to creating greater joy, health, and wellness in your life. Here are excerpts from that interview:

Many in the LGBT community have suffered childhood traumas or feelings of rejection. What's your approach to healing very old but still painful feelings?

Simply feeling different at a young age can cause deep emotional blocks that can last for years. I've noticed this block often working with my gay clients. Often, the feeling of being different, and not accepted at a very basic level at an early age, can close someone down and as a result, it feels impossible to find support in this world. So you don't take the risks you need to build a happy life--going for the job you really want, feeling good enough to attract a healthy relationship--these are common issues but I notice it even more in my gay clients. It's important to identify energetically what you're emotionally still holding on to. What usually needs to be healed is self-esteem and worth, and reaching an acceptance at a deep level of self, both spiritually and physically.

Hopefully you can get to the point where you stop protecting yourself from rejection and open up to love and support from the right people. These old barriers and blocks keep support and love away from you, even if it feels like they keep you safe.

I've heard a lot about bodywork being especially helpful in healing old wounds? What kind of treatments can help dissolve emotional barriers?

Deep tissue massage can get right into areas of tightness and tension, which also where fear and anger reside in your body. Acupuncture is really great because it gets your energy flowing again. Reiki is also good, and so is rolfing. I've found that Yamuna body rolling is amazing and more and more available around the country. Yoga is fantastic for moving energy. These are simple tools that can keep negative energy moving out of your body and align yourself back into a state of health and wellness.

My own healing modalities include a combination of touch, breath work, guided meditation, color, light and sounds, which in concert help release emotional blocks at a subconscious and cellular level.

FIGHT OR FLIGHT? Turning the Tables on Bullies...

 For many gay teens, being bullied is akin with acne and angst—it's part of growing up.

The bully’s menace is equally familiar: The name-calling, the beckoning to meet after school, and the wary walks home, peering over your shoulder. But this horror often doesn't end with adolescence. Studies say that as many as 87% of gay men have a history of verbal harassment, 25% have had objects thrown  at them, up to 37% have been chased or followed, and as many as 24% have been physically assaulted (10% with a weapon or object) - all for being perceived as gay.

Find someone who will listen—an out gay teacher, a school counselor, perhaps your own parents. But, choose wisely...

Though it is not politically correct to say, the truth is those who have come out at an earlier age and  those who are more “obvious” about
their sexual identity, such as boys who have more feminine characteristics, tend to suffer the most abuse. Effeminate or not— whatever the rationale these boys have for identifying you as gay—it does not give anyone permission to harass or bully you.

There are several reasons for anti-gay harassment:

1. Some abusers may be trying to assert their dominance and believe that by putting you down, they are lifting themselves up.

2. Some may be following the teachings or philosophy of their own family, church, or even perceptions of government wishes.

3. Some of them may be trying to impress someone like a girl or the leader of the group that is doing this to you.

Perhaps the scariest reason for harassment is because the person doing the harassing is attracted to you, yet his way of coping is to attack you. The attack is both a reason to interact with you and an attack on that part of him that he hates. These people are not always easy to spot. They can be the roughest characters and are often responsible for the worst attacks. So if you suspect this is the case, don't say it to him, it may only increase his rage.

What to do?

By all means, tell someone, especially if you're a teenager still in school. Find someone who will listen—an out gay teacher, a school counselor, perhaps your own parents. But, choose wisely, as teachers, counselors, and parents themselves have been known to fuel the fire rather than help squelch it. Then, put the school on notice that this is happening and has got to stop. This behavior is not tolerated in the workplace, so it is a wonder why so many allow it to happen on the schoolyard.

Next, you have three choices: Fight, Flight, or Talk. If your urge is to stand up to them, make sure you are prepared to take them on or it will make it worse. Take a martial arts class to learn how to defend yourself and increase your self-confidence. Lift weights. Even the odds. Or enlist a group of friends to be there with you. Size is intimidating, whether it is your muscles or the size of your support group. But, remember, hitting another person is assault, so don't do it unless you absolutely need to defend yourself against a physical attack.

Lots of gay men have learned very young to "fight with words." If this is a way that you believe you can stand up to them, then you might try it. One caveat: If you humiliate them, it will usually only increase their anger. Be prepared to fight another day.

Another option is to avoid these guys. This "flight" option has proven effective for many throughout the years, but it forces you to compromise your life to do so. Staying in groups is one way to avoid if the bully is nearby. Ignoring taunts may work to help to bore the bully and encourage him to move on. If you combine avoidance with getting the school or other authorities involved, you may have the most effective and least costly (to you) means of dealing with this.

And what of the talk option? Many shrinks, maybe your mom, and some teachers might go with talking. It may have worked somewhere, but rarely does it work with boys on the schoolyard. First of all, if the bullying is verbal only, you might consider it. But, males often turn physical when they are angry and have run out of words. So, if there has been physical contact (or the threat of it), forget it. If someone suggests the talking option to you, ask them how they were able to make it work. If they haven't done it themselves, they may be just trying to help you avoid conflict... but they are probably not being realistic.

It is certainly unfortunate that many gays (especially teens) may have to deal with this. Unfortunately, the scars go deeper than the surface of the skin. Gay and bisexual men who have been victimized at school report higher levels of substance abuse, thoughts about suicide, and sexual risk behaviors than those who have not. Don't stay alone - find someone to talk about this. You not only need support physically, but emotionally as well.

-- Greg Cason, PhD