Shout Out Health

ASK THE THERAPIST: Shedding Light on the Cynthia Nixon Controversy

Q:  I just read that Cynthia Nixon of 'Sex and the City' fame was recently quoted as saying she's 'choosing' to be gay. That statement infuriates me, as I know for a fact I didn't 'choose' to be gay, and this just gives the extreme religious types more ammunition in this argument. How should I respond when I get the 'gay is a choice' argument, I'd rather not quote Lady Gaga's 'Born This way" if at all possible.

A: Respond by agreeing.  You are choosing.  But the choice is not one of sexual orientation, it is one of sexual behavior and, ultimately, identity.  That ought to throw them for a loop!

Cynthia Nixon appeared to blending these concepts together in her statement (updated here).  This is where most people get confused -- especially those "extreme religious types" who fall for the reports of those with a same-sex sexual orientation who abstain from sexual contact with their same gender and declare themselves 'straight.'  Meanwhile, the individuals suffer inside while those extreme types declare another victory.

A 'gay' sexual orientation refers to a primary sexual attraction to those of the same gender, while behavior refers to any observable activity related to that attraction, and identity refers to a sense of self that one is, a total person, gay.  Sexual orientation is considered to be unchangeable, whereas behavior and identity are changeable because they are up to you. 

Most reading this column have a consistent orientation/behavior/identity, be it straight, gay or in-between.  But we all know those who might have sex with someone of the same gender yet declare themselves as 'straight.'  Most therapists and those who hold people's confidence also know those who have sexual attraction to those of the same gender but have never acted on it.  And, there are even those who have a gay sexual orientation and identity, but never intend to act on it.  How is that for confusing?

ASK THE THERAPIST: 'Mean Girls' Alert! Navigating Superficiality in the Gay Scene

Q: Why are so many gay men so unbearably superficial? I'm 28-year-old (a gay male) and I feel like I'm in junior high school all over again, every time I go out to a bar. It's the same online, when I try Grindr or even match.com, it seems like anyone remotely attractive thinks they're Brad Pitt and looking for a better version of themselves. I've made it through my teen age years once, I have no interest in going back. Any advice beyond turning into a 'mean girl' myself and playing the game?

A:  If Lindsay Lohan has taught us anything, it's that becoming a "mean girl" costs you in the end.  Though you might get more boys by associating with the A-listers, poofing your hair, and flunking math,
you will also lose sight of what's important, like your real friends, your roots, and the man that could bring true love into your life. (Lindsay later went on to teach us a few more things about what not to do, but that is for another column.)

People often focus on the superficial when they don't like what's inside.  If you are gay, that is often preceded with an upbringing where you were taught that what is inside is not good enough.  Combine this with the fact that men tend to be more visually focused in general, along with a few more factors about the gay brain, the gay media, and the gay culture and the judgment-fest begins!  

ASK THE THERAPIST: Help! My Husband Wants Sex Outside of (Gay) Marriage

Q:  I am a 29-year-old gay man and have been in a monogamous marriage with my husband for the last 5 years. He recently revealed to me that he is having thoughts about having sex with other people.  This didn't surprise me because I have the same thoughts.  While in my practical mind, I'm not opposed to a non-monogamous relationship, I'm not sure if I'm emotionally ready to share him with other people.

I'm a rather paranoid person with hang-ups about trust and sex (my partner and I are currently having unprotected sex and the thought of having to go back to protected sex and worry about catching STD's doesn't exactly appeal to me). I also don't want to turn into a suspicious control freak who has to ask him what he's been doing after every trip.

We have a good marriage and have mostly agreed with issues that have come up in our relationship, however we are now stuck and can't agree on boundaries or what to do.  The only thing I've committed to at this moment is that he needs to be honest and give me full disclosure if he does go ahead and have sex with someone else (he has agreed).  What is your opinion about this situation?

A: (UPDATED) This is one of the most common issues that come up in long-term relationships -- both straight and gay.  The difference with straight couples it that it is generally forbidden to talk about, and when it is; the person expressing the desire is often seen as perverted. This may be due to the history of heterosexual marriages; pressures of different gender sexuality; religious, cultural, and familial pressures; and many other things.

ASK THE THERAPIST: Homo for the Holidays - Is your Family more Bachmann than Obama?

Q: I'm going to visit family for the holidays, and they're mostly neocon Republicans and none too pleased with my being gay. I don't want to sever ties with my family, and Christmas is usually my only visit, but I'd love to be able to stand my own when the inevitable, 'well, being gay is your choice...' stuff comes up. Any suggestions?

A: Though your family is “none too pleased” with you being gay, it also sounds like you are none too pleased with them being Republican.  It's almost like you are all school children who get along most of the time, but then oppose each other once you get out on the football field.  The problem is not your
family's opposing views, the problem is that you personally are outnumbered.

If you try to come back with a marvelous factoid, break out into a Lady GaGa song, or angrily shake your fist in an eggnog-induced rage, you will probably do little, if anything, to change their opinion.  Most likely, they will only see you as defensive and perhaps a little nutty.  After all, everyone else agrees with them, right?  Well, at least everyone else in the room.  They would tackle you every time.  Besides, you can't fight intolerance with more intolerance -- it only fans the flames.

Research shows the very best way to change someone's attitudes about gay people is for them to get to know one personally.  Makes you feel a bit like an object, doesn't it?  Really, it's the opposite.  By letting them get to know you better, you are becoming more of a human being rather than a cardboard cutout in tight-fitting clothing. 

So, rather than coming back at their statements with zingers, it is better to realize they reflect discomfort and curiosity about your lifestyle when all of their reference groups (church, family, Fox news anchors...) say how wrong it is.  Rather than opposing them on the football field, declare a time-out and open up the floor to questions.  Try to answer what may sometimes be inane and ignorant inquisitions as non-defensively and compassionately as possible.  Let them get to know you the human being underneath the homosexual (I'll refrain from making the obvious joke here in order to respect the seriousness of the holiday season).

ASK THE THERAPIST: How Long Should I Stay in Therapy?

Q: I've been in therapy for years, mostly dealing with self-acceptance issues around my sexuality (I'm a gay man). I'm not always happy but I'm not always sad either. How long should one stay in therapy, and how do you know when you're 'cured'?

A: Unlike an intimate relationship that you end when the bad outweighs the good, you generally stop a therapy relationship when the good outweighs the bad.  But, it sounds like you’re still on the fence.

There is one quick answer to when to end therapy, though: if you are satisfied with the progress you've made on the issues that brought you to therapy in the first place, then it may be time to consider ending.   Unfortunately, it’s not always that simple.

Like physical illness, mental and emotional ills can be varied and complex.  Treating the symptom may not be enough. In much the same way coughs may be a symptom of anything from a viral infection to a symptom of a growing cancer (albeit rarely), a psychological symptom like anxiety or relationship problems may also be an indication of something more serious.

It is also not normal to “always” feel any one emotion – happy, sad, or in-between.  And though you may achieve a restoration to your previous level of mental and emotional health (what most consider a “cure”) it is not something that is necessarily permanent.  Life can throw a curve ball at any time and you can find yourself back in a dark place.

In its best form, therapy gives you the skills to deal with life’s curve balls and put you back on the path to a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life long after your time in therapy has ended.

ASK THE THERAPIST: 'Why Isn't A Nice Guy Like You Married?'

Q: It used to be whenever someone asked, "How come a nice guy like you isn't married?" I could reply indignantly, "Because the law doesn't allow it!" In my state, gay marriage is now legal, so what am I supposed to say when people ask why I'm single? Tell them about the single gay lifestyle of one-night-stands and sex parties?  I don't want to be an old gay maid but I'm terrified it may come to that and now it's making me depressed.

A: So you blamed the fact that you are single on the fact that gays didn't have the right to marry?!  Talk about shifting the blame. Now that the right has come to your state, you are forced to take more responsibility and it doesn't feel so good. But that is exactly what you need to do to change your situation.


Rather than pointing the finger at the "single gay lifestyle," go look in a mirror and take inventory. Are you are trying to turn bad boys into relationship material?  Are you dating out of your generation because "that's all I'm attracted to?" Or, you can't make room for a man in your life unless he meets your rigid check-list of requirements?  I don't know, but I suspect you haven't thought much about it either.

If you are afraid of becoming a "gay old maid," then it will be as if you are in a car careening toward a wall and you are watching in slow-motion.  You can't enjoy your current life and the people in it because you are so focused on the future and what you see as a horrific inevitability.  It's time to stop fearing and start risking.  In Texas they say, "Raise your skirt and lower your standards."  Show off what you've got and open up your world to men who didn't make the previous cut.

What to do in the meantime, until you find that idealized relationship and partner you are currently putting on a pedestal?  Take inventory of the people and aspects in your life you truly appreciate and nurture them.  Being single in the future won't be so scary if you start to embrace and enjoy the single life you have right now. -- Greg Cason, PhD