Shout Out Health

ASK THE LIFE COACH: Taking a Stand - Start to Change the Lingering Effects of Bullying

Q: The tragic suicide of that gay teen who made the "It Gets Better" has made me really think about my own bullying experiences as a kid. I'm a 28-year-old gay man, and I realized that I'm so sick of acting like I'm inferior, and being afraid of people. I've been in therapy and have gained insight, but I know my own behavior and beliefs still need to change. I don't want to feel pushed around anymore. Any suggestions?

A: My friend, you have taken an important stand -- whether you know it or not -- to grow and evolve past the wounds of your past. You would not have written this question had you not taken that stand.
And because you’ve done that, you can expect that you will be more and more aware of when and where you’re acting out of those past wounds. That’s good news! Just make sure that when you do become aware of the things you want to change, that you don’t throw yourself right back into the pattern with another dose of judgment and blame. That said, I've made a list of suggestions you might find helpful as you seek to change, and empower yourself in the process:

10 things you can do to start changing self-defeating behavior:

1. Catch yourself in the act. Building your awareness is key to change.
2. Resist the urge to judge yourself, to make yourself wrong for doing what you’ve done, even if it’s for the umpteenth time.
3. Celebrate every time you catch yourself in the act. Celebrate the wisdom and awareness it took to see the thing you want to change.
4. Create a vision of who you are becoming. In your new way of being, how will you begin to trust? How will you respond to people? How will you handle conflict? Disappointment? What thoughts and feelings will you have about yourself and others? Know where you are headed and what you are aiming for.
5. Get support. Hire a therapist or a coach that specializes in this kind of work.
6. Feed yourself. Make a practice of reading books or listening to audio recordings that inspire you to grow and transform. Educate yourself on the process of change. Knowledge is power.

ASK THE LIFE COACH: I'm confident and successful, so WHY is my love life a total flop?

Q: When I talk to a man, I become this insecure, desperate, needy person with no self esteem. I can feel it happening and I can't even stop myself. It's so weird. I am confident in so many other areas of my life. What is happening and how do I change it?

A: Excellent, excellent, excellent question. Why three ‘excellents'? Because I think you’re hitting on a sore spot carried by a great many of us. And, truth be told, even I have struggled with this same malady, so I'm excited to share my thoughts on this topic.

To get started, you actually have two questions: why does this happen and what do I do? Because knowledge is power, let’s start with the first one.

Follow me while we take a stroll down Maturation Lane. Here’s the deal folks…we’re each made up of many different aspects. As we age, those aspects mature at different rates depending on a ton of things; our parenting, our experiences, our wounds, beliefs, decisions and survival strategies. Life is not for the faint of heart and all these factors have a direct impact on how we mature.

It would be lovely if, say at the age of 38, we lived (across the board, in all areas of our life) as a 38 year old; that we had gotten the lessons we needed and we’re able to live as an actualized adult male or female; full of self confidence, assuredness and security. (YES!)

But the truth is; that ain’t the way it works. (DANG!)

Oh sure, your professional self may be kickin’ butt. He may have figured out early on what he wanted to do, focused on the goal, got the grades, sent out the resumes and climbed the ladder of success smiling all the way to the bank and to life fulfillment.

Or perhaps it’s not your financial self that grew into a healthy, well developed, no debt, cash only, Suzie Orman model of financial responsibility.

Maybe it’s your relational self that has figured it out; the one who got his butt into therapy early on, worked on himself, learning how to express himself to his friends and family, becoming highly empathetic, kind and open.

But to expect that all of these (along with the myriad of other aspects of you) will grow all at the same rate right along with you is…well…wishful thinking.

Consider your romantic self.

This is perhaps your most vulnerable aspect especially when you consider the fact that (I’m assuming) you’re gay. Made worse if you’re gay of a certain age or local or family or social dynamic which didn’t allow you to accept your sexual self and therefore experiment, learn and mature.

ASK THE LIFE COACH: Are you stuck in "I'm not worthy" mode? Read this!

Q: I have a role with my friends and family, that of the wise, upbeat, quite evolved person who offers great advice and encouragement, day or night. I'm Mr. Supportive. Trouble is, my life is a wreck and I have no confidence or energy to change anything, and I'm anything but supportive to my needs. Why can't I use the smarts and kindness I offer others and put them into practice in my life?

A: “Doctor, heal thyself” right?

Turns out you’ve got a classic problem; the ability to access and share your own wisdom in the service of others but not yourself. As someone who has built a life around working with and supporting others, you can believe I struggle with this too. It’s hard sometimes to avail ourselves of our own wisdom, support and tools. Heck, sometimes we just forget to apply what we know in our own lives. It’s like we live in a
constant case of amnesia; a convenient trick of the brain, that has us separated from what we know.

The brilliant thing though is that all those amazing skills, viewpoints and tools are right there close at hand, alive and well and ready for the using. This really puts you at an advantage in your own life. They’re there – you’re simply not turning them inward. We just need to tinker a bit, it seems, with your own sense of worth and value. Work that out and whala! You can begin to lean into all that you so effortlessly and beautifully share with others.

Yup, to me, this is a case of “I’m not worthy.” When we believe we’re not worthy, it means we don’t get to have the very things we want and need to be happy. We simply don’t believe that we deserve all of the support we give to others. And form this place we end up side lined on the road to happiness. Our energy drains, our enthusiasm wanes and our confidence takes a hike. We wake up one day and say to ourselves; “how come they get all the good stuff and my life looks like crap?” Pretty sad, huh?

So how do we turn that train around? How do we begin to live in the land of worth and take a stand for our own beautiful, deserving self? In a word; act. Try this: grab a pen and paper and turn the conversation around. Step outside of your own story for a minute and ask yourself how you coach, support and advise someone you love who found themselves in this same position? How would you help get them unstuck? What would you say to them? Assume they’re a completely willing participant; that they want to get unstuck and they’re ready to do the work. Get in there with them, roll up your sleeves and figure it out. Break it down into a plan or a process. What would his days look like? How would he handle problems? How would he deal with apathy when it shows up? Once you have something tangible down, take it and begin the process yourself. Test it out. Tweak it where necessary. Make it work in your life. Then watch, because as you do, your sense of worthiness will increase. As you start implementing your own plan, you’ll feel better and your sense of deserving will track right along with you.

A few other suggestions:

· You say your life is a wreck. I say drop the drama. Get out of your story. What we say to ourselves, dictates our experience. Change how you talk about yourself and your life and you’ll start to find the energy to change things. Take a stand for yourself and your life, my friend. It’s the only one you have and the rest of us need you to be smiling and feeling successful.

·  Start small. Pick one area that seems easy and fun to tackle. Begin anywhere, it doesn’t matter. It’s all connected. Any improvement will impact the whole. Once you have one area on the upswing, take on another one.

·  Use your life as a laboratory. There is actually a gift in the struggle you’re experiencing. Connecting with your own shortcomings actually can make you an even better source of support to your friends and family because when you do, when you get in and understand your own pain, discomfort and challenges you know better what others are dealing with. Giving a purpose to your own struggle can give you the impetus to move through it. Take those skills and tools you offer others and perfect them in your own life. (I do this all the time as a coach. I don’t suggest one single strategy I’ve not tried out in my own life.)

As a life coach, I am trained to hold that each person is the expert in his or her own life; that he is whole and complete and resourceful. My job is to help each client access their own wisdom and solutions. You have a lot to draw upon. Everything you need to live the life you imagine is right there inside you. Giving yourself the gift of your own wisdom is perhaps the greatest act of self love you could do. Best of luck and keep me posted. -- John Dulworth, CPC

ASK THE LIFE COACH: Too shy? Build a social life you'll LOVE!

Q: I'm trying to expand my social life in healthy ways, and find more like-minded people, but I'm a bit shy, so I'm more comfortable playing it safe. I'm 34, have a good career but my social life sucks, and I'm not a bar person. Any advice?

A: I think it's safe to say you’re not alone. You’re probably in the majority, actually. But how do you get to the you’s of the world? How do you get off The Island of Misfits and into a life that has the kind of friends and support you’re longing for? How do you overcome the shyness that seems to creep up when you’re in social situations that intimidate you?

 

To me, building a social life takes a certain kind of muscle. To get started, make it easy. Make it light and fun. When you’re trying to come out of your shell, don’t try to live by “no pain, no gain.” Nope. That approach will only push you deeper into yourself. But know this: shyness that goes unchallenged leads to isolation so push back on it a bit.

Here’s a tip: When you’re looking for friends, go to the places that make you happy. Put yourself in environments that relax you or inspire you. When you’re in a place that lights you up, you’re way more likely to connect with others because, well, you’re lit up. Ever heard of MeetUp.com? It’s a great concept. It’s built on the premise of pulling like minded people together. Check it out. The idea is go where your people are. What do you love to do? Go there.
 
I moved to New York City when I was 40 years old. I knew two people. I made it my mission to meet people. How’d I do it? I turned it into a game; a game I’m still playing. As soon as I connect with someone, I exchange cards. Then I follow up (most people never do this) within a day or so. From there we go have a drink. A lot of times it ends there but many times it turns into a pretty cool friendship.

A few other ideas:

• Get a dog (hell, borrow one). Dog walkers always connect.
• Throw a party with a few pals. Have each person bring someone to introduce to the group. You can quickly turn 4 people into 8.
• Use your job as a way to connect. Invite someone new from your office to lunch.

At the end of the day, social confidence is a muscle. So get into the gym and build the muscle. Start with the easy weights but do challenge yourself. Don’t worry so much about the results at first, just get in there and start finding a new way of being with people. Lastly, take yourself off the hook. You do not have to be that guy that has all the friends. You might be someone who thrives with a small group of friends. Beautiful. On the other hand, you may discover when you get into it that you’re better at connecting than you think and soon you might have a group of friends that requires a social secretary.

Feel free to contact me privately via this link if you'd like more, and good luck! -- John Dulworth, CPC

ASK the LIFE COACH: Feeling Fear and Doubt? Try Our Action Plan (It Really Works!)

Q: I've had lots of therapy, career counseling, and even personal training in the gym, but sometimes I still feel like I don't know what specifically to do when I lose confidence, feel anxious or have moments of low self esteem. Do I need a life coach to keep me on track? In short, I'm looking for work (I was laid off last year), feeling anxious about the future and the days keep slipping by it seems. Is getting life on track a matter of discipline or motivation or something else?

A: Wow. Your question is honest and raw. I get it. The short answer is, yes, a coach can totally help you stay on track. But let’s hit the pause button for a moment and look at where you are. Confidence and a strong sense of self are way more accessible when things are going in the right direction; when the major pieces of your life are in place. But remove a cornerstone like a career (hello?) and whammo, you’re face to face with an emotional perfect storm. Even if you followed all of Suze Orman’s advice and
planned for an event just like this, losing your job is going to stir up a lot of stuff; fear, doubt, insecurity, and dooms day scenarios of living on the street. It’s designed to do that.

But here’s the deal--all that work you’ve done on yourself, the time, the money, the introspection and effort, all of that has given you a foundation from which to live your life; to deal with the unexpected. You have tools to lean into. Now is the time to access and use them. Without the investment you’ve made in yourself both physically and emotionally, this time would be even more difficult. Take that in. You are a stronger person because you invested in you. And that is the wisest investment you can make (sorry, Suze). Still, this is just a nice idea when you open your eyes in the morning to find yourself spooning Fear and cuddling with Doubt. In that moment, how do you access the gifts and the tools from all that work you’ve done on yourself?  You move into action.

To answer your question, getting life on track is a matter of discipline and motivation as well as the right support. But the rub is, discipline and motivation aren’t our natural states especially when panic is setting in. In a perfect storm like this, don’t expect discipline and motivation to come knocking on your door. You will have to manufacture them and cultivate them. I know, I get it, it’s hard.

How do you do it?

Move into and stay in action. Action is the cure for fear. Getting life on track, getting you on track, is a matter of feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Getting on track is about surrounding yourself with support. It’s about feeding yourself outside thinking that will help you develop your strengths and tools (what are you reading?). It’s about working with a coach, or a mentor, or an accountability buddy, or all of these. It’s about getting up and going to the gym especially and even when you don’t want to. It’s about carrying a light heart and attitude. It’s about every day being in action in some way towards your solution. And when you’re not, because there are days when you won’t be, when you give into the fear and cave into the doubt, when they seem so real and true that you can’t leave your apartment let alone look at monster.com one more time. Then you take a deep breath and understand that this is hard and this is a part of it too. Then you pick yourself up and get back into the game again. Why? Because in the end, you want to. Oh, and you’re way stronger than you’re telling yourself.

 Here's an action plan for dealing with anxious times:

· Move a muscle, change a thought. Make play & exercise a part of every day. It burns off anxiety and relieves fear.

· Take care of the basics; eat well, sleep 7 to 8 hours a night, hydrate, moderate your alcohol.

· Surround yourself with support. Coaches, mentors, therapists, accountability buddies, friends who have gone through the same thing can all help.

· Lean into your tools. We all have tools to help us through the tough times. Pull them out and use them.

· Manage your inner dialogue. Just because you think it doesn’t mean it’s true.

· Life happens for you not to you. Difficult times are times to practice getting stronger. They are your hard days at the gym. Lean into them. You’re way stronger than you think.

Check out my blog for a deeper exploration of these topics. -- John Dulworth, CPC

ASK the LIFE COACH: Why Can't I Get Motivated to Lose Weight?

Q: My resolution this year was to lose weight and feel better about my physical self when I'm out on dates. But I find myself losing motivation now, because most straight men I know certainly aren't perfect and they can find hot girlfriends quite easily. I'm kind of resentful about the higher expectations as a gay man in the dating game, and I'm losing motivation to reach my goal. How can I get re-motivated to get in shape? Is this something for my therapist or a life coach?

A: Great question. But before I jump into your weight, let me briefly address the difference between a coach and a therapist at least from the perspective of this coach. I do this with the understanding that each coach and each therapist approaches their craft a little differently and so the lines that divide are not as much black and white as they are shades of gray.

The way I explain the difference between coaching and therapy is that the therapeutic process helps us find wholeness by healing past emotional trauma. Coaching focuses on personal growth and change and strategic planning. A handy metaphor is found in the car. In therapy, the therapist and the client use the rear view mirror to look into the past to understand how the client got to the present. The coach will look forward with the client, determine where they want to go and how best to get them there. As a coach, I have found enormous support with my therapists over the years even as I am grateful to have found the profession of coaching, which is allows me to make a difference in my client’s lives.

Now on to your question! There are 3 action steps here I'd suggest to you:

Make It All About You

If it’s important to you, I say lose the weight. Get the body you want. But do it because of how it will make YOU feel. Trim up because, well, you’ll just plain feel better. You’ll have more energy, sleep better, think better thoughts, have more confidence and feel proud of yourself. Do it, but do it because you’ll be the beneficiary of all those gifts. Really, it’s a fantastic resolution. The reason your motivation is waning – to me – is because you’ve tied your goal to something that is too far outside of yourself. I’m wondering if the real reason you want to lose weight is so that you can find love (Hello? Recipe for resentment). If this is the case then I would argue you’re giving your power away. I say make your purpose super personal and let the love come as a result. You’re right, living in a body that makes you happy, means you will show up with more confidence on a date and because you’re more confident you’ll attract a different kind of man but let that be the icing on the cake not the central driving force.

What Are You Telling Yourself?

As far as gay men having to adhere to a higher standard, there may be some truth in that. And maybe not. Either way, it’s something you are telling yourself. It’s a part of your inner dialogue and it is siphoning off your energy and motivation. Drop it. Let it go. It’s not serving you. The fact is, you could be overweight and still meet the man of your dreams. Whenever we set out on a new resolution or promise, what determines our success or our failure comes down to one thing: what we believe. What we believe determines the kind of life we have, the kinds of relationships we have, the success in any endeavor we undertake.

Go On A Belief Hunt

Beliefs are powerful! To understand what is determining your success around dating, I say, go on a belief hunt. Take out a piece of paper and write down everything you believe to be true about the dating process. Let ‘er rip. Don’t edit it. Get down and dirty. We need to know what is in there. You might start with: “I can’t have love (or be happy for that matter) until I lose weight” (yikes) Get every single one down; the good, the bad and the ugly. Then step back and take a look at what you have. Each belief represents something you’re telling yourself about what is possible for you around love. What do you notice about your beliefs? Do they empower or disempowered you? Do they excite you, open doors for you, encourage you? Or do you feel exhausted and resentful? Perhaps you have some of both kinds of beliefs. Either way, the point is to know what is driving your experience. From here you can begin to make the shifts necessary to have the kind of experience you’ve been longing for all along.

Good luck and keep me posted on your progress. -- John Dulworth, CPC