ASK THE THERAPIST: 'Mean Girls' Alert! Navigating Superficiality in the Gay Scene

Q: Why are so many gay men so unbearably superficial? I'm 28-year-old (a gay male) and I feel like I'm in junior high school all over again, every time I go out to a bar. It's the same online, when I try Grindr or even match.com, it seems like anyone remotely attractive thinks they're Brad Pitt and looking for a better version of themselves. I've made it through my teen age years once, I have no interest in going back. Any advice beyond turning into a 'mean girl' myself and playing the game?

A:  If Lindsay Lohan has taught us anything, it's that becoming a "mean girl" costs you in the end.  Though you might get more boys by associating with the A-listers, poofing your hair, and flunking math,
you will also lose sight of what's important, like your real friends, your roots, and the man that could bring true love into your life. (Lindsay later went on to teach us a few more things about what not to do, but that is for another column.)

People often focus on the superficial when they don't like what's inside.  If you are gay, that is often preceded with an upbringing where you were taught that what is inside is not good enough.  Combine this with the fact that men tend to be more visually focused in general, along with a few more factors about the gay brain, the gay media, and the gay culture and the judgment-fest begins!  

Being a gay man, I can't imagine you are all that different than the people you are complaining about.  Do you mean to tell me that when you log onto Grindr or go to a bar that you look past the physical and get to know people regardless of their attributes?  If so, we probably wouldn't be having this discussion. 

I know, our mothers always told us not to judge books by their covers.  But, if you have ever ventured out of a bar and into a bookstore, you know it's the covers that get our attention.  And, so it is with other people -- we just have to accept reality. 

But as any publisher will tell you, the cover gets people to pick up the book, but it's what's inside that will get them to either buy it or set it back down.  The lesson here?  Dress up your outside and work on your inside.  And a good way to do that inside work?  (Hint: it's the same advice I would give to those "mean girls" in junior high or in the bars).  Pick up a plain-looking book once in a while and spend some time finding out what's inside.  You just might be surprised. -- Greg Cason, PhD