Q: I'm just devastated about losing a boyfriend recently, and now he has a new boyfriend that he is flaunting in front of me to get me jealous. I'm just a wreck and can't get over the sadness/jealousy/hopelessness. I'd really appreciate any advice you can give me. Thank you.
A: Unfortunately, it's not beyond my comprehension why you would not be over someone who would do such an insensitive and hostile act. And, though I believe you are sad and jealous, I do not believe you have given up all hope. I know that in your mind you are hoping she still wants you and there is some glimmer of a chance. You have taken the role as her doormat because you like to be at least close to his front door. A healthy response would be to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, walk away, and don't lookback. Try these 7 steps to surviving a break-up:
1. Recognize the Loss
Shock and denial are common first reactions. Tell yourself you are aware of the loss and that you will survive. Radically accept that the relationship is over. Give up hope that he will come running back into your arms. Even if he did, I guarantee you that round two would be more destructive and devastating that this first time around.
2. Be with the Pain
Let yourself feel. Don’t hide it, deny it, or try to squelch it. Part of grieving is getting through the pain. If you put off grieving, it tends to fester like old meat. Know that it may feel badly now, but that like all things it will get better. Fasten your seat belt because it will be like riding a roller coaster.
3. Give yourself time
Time truly does heal all wounds. A folk wisdom is that it takes half the length of the relationship to get over it (but it can take even longer!). Expect the healing will be a roller coaster, so you can’t plan to feel better or worse. Schedule your days and nights, especially in the beginning. If you find yourself having free-time, call your friends and schedule movies, plays, hikes.
4. Be with those who care
Surround yourself with nourishing people. It is better to do nothing with someone who cares than to do something alone.
5. Clean up your house (and cell phone, and iPad, and...)
There is truth to the saying, "Out of sight, out of mind." Hide the pictures, delete the emails and phone numbers, gather the possessions and put them in a box. If you can’t through things away, then hire a storage unit for one year and stick them inside. Revisit things in a year and see if you still want to hold on to them.
6. Don’t Drink and Dial
Late night sorrow? Feeling horny? Reconsidering? Don’t look to the one you are separated from to give you comfort. This is especially problematic when drinking. If you find yourself feeling tempted, spend the night with friends. Getting together with your now “ex” for one night could mean weeks or months of extending the emotional pain of the break-up. And, oh yeah, lay off the booze for a while.
7. Out with old, in with the new
Do things just for you. Reawaken old interests. Find things you have never done before and that you know your partner will not be interested in. Develop the new person you want to be. And, if you happen to meet someone else along the road to the new you…. even better. Remember, nothing casts out an old love, like a new one.
Anyone who treasures a relationship is likely to be quite sad and have to grieve when it is over. This process is natural and even healing. But holding on to the past is going to keep you from moving on with your life. You must reach inside and accept that though you will miss him, you also acknowledge that your time with him did have problems and his behavior now is reprehensible. Letting go of him in your heart will lead you to feel more sad at first, but you will heal and make room in your heart for a new boyfriend.
In the meantime, a good book to get about loss is, "How to Survive The Loss of A Love" by McWilliams, Bloomfield, and Colgrove. It will help you through the grieving process. -- Greg Cason, PhD
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Posted by: tag heuer carrera | 09/14/2010 at 11:29 PM