New Age Pollyana alert.
Really, I’ve had enough depression to last a lifetime, but you’ve got to believe me when I say…
I had the most spontaneous, tremendous, totally unplanned and mind blowing release of guilt last night--in my dreams. I know in this day and age, with all the fundraisers, AIDS walks, foundations and support groups, that I shouldn’t have a shed of guilt for being HIV positive, but clearly part of me felt I did something wrong. I hate to even see myself write those words, but I know now it was there. How do I know? Whether this new HIV med prompted it or not (my doc said I might have some dreams, what an understatement!), I had a magnificent, eye opening dream last night that in it's context was right out of White Rabbit and Grace Slick!
So get this: I was at Carly Simon’s birthday party, but oddly she had a really tight perm and big glasses. Anyway, we were sitting on a picnic table, and right in front of me she cut massive slabs of the cake and started ravenously gobbling bites, even scooping the fruit (green grapes!) and frosting off the top, as I sat there, wondering if I should try to make small talk. Then when I was leaving Steve Martin of all people was on the front lawn, waving goodbye, and then I stepped onto the streets of New York City.
Then, I realized it. I was light as air. Whether it’s the years of therapy kicking in, or some Divine energy allowed to flow, or my brain circuitry finding a new uncharted neural pathway to bliss, I stated feeling incredibly empowered, I felt a joy I’d never felt before, I felt in the moment, total release of every shred of baggage, judgment and woe I’d been carrying around. I was me, but without the baggage, bad feeling or labels.
I didn’t feel the past anymore around my neck, I didn’t feel a shred of guilt or remorse or regret for any part of my life, it’s like they say the Universe is within, well that’s exactly what I felt like. I felt huge. Health coursed through me like a volcano of bliss and well-being, like I WAS health itself. I could have floated away, but I felt more substantial and powerful that ever before. It was like taking huge effortless gulps of well-being, kind of like that Joni Mitchell line, I could drink a case of you, and still be on my feet…
Did you ever see that Ted video of Jill Bolte Taylor describing her stroke? It was like complete release and freedom and liberation from all I’ve known, and I realize the past didn’t matter or limit me at all. It was rendered meaningless and uninteresting by this magnificent feeling. I was flush with gratitude, when in all honestly I haven’t felt grateful in ages. I realized absolutely nothing was wrong with me. I was dreaming, but I was consciously keeping this going too, I could feel myself opening up to more, and every label, judgment, old story, hurt, regret, limitation or aggravation I’d ever felt or carried around was gone in an instant. I was left with sheer delight in being alive, right here, and I was exactly as I should be, nothing could possibly go wrong, I was not only safe, I was massive, as big as the Universe, but still in my body.
It was thrilling, yet also familiar.
The cliché in self help is always to let go and live your dream, and I always thought it was so trite, but that’s exactly the experience here, a complete letting go, like dropping a bag of rocks or an entire house off your back, all the old beliefs that have suffocated and exhausted me that I felt obligated to carry around were NOT essential after all. I don’t need them! No way in that moment did I have any disease, and if I did, who cares, I had never felt better in my life! If this is what 'sick' feels like, bring it on.
I don’t know if this experience had anything to do with all the previous efforts I’ve put in to create wellness in my life, lots of meditation, visualization, tons of reading and pondering books like Biology of Belief, Everything You Need to Know To Feel G(o)od, or Your Erroneous Zones, or if this is just some once in a lifetime glimpse at bliss, some temporary lotto of cosmic luc, that gave me an insight into my healing potential. Who knows? I just know it happened and it was tremendous, and the potential to feel good, to be truly free, is I think unlimited.
One other thing I know for sure. I’m not the only one who can experience this, without question this is available to every single person. That’s why there is always hope, and I personally believe any malady has the potential to be healed.
Please don’t think I’m on some high horse here; who knows if this will last the rest of the day? I don’t have any idea, I’m just a little astonished I guess. I had no idea I was capable of such feelings.
So have you had a similar experience, whether in a dream state or wide awake? I don’t want to feel like I’m in la la land here, but this was absolutely real for me.
I’ll let you know if it lasts…