Shout Out Health

ASK THE DOC: Where can I get an anonymous HIV test?

Q: I haven't had an HIV test in a few years, and I want to get one anonymously. I live in a middle sized city with one public clinic, and I don't want to use my regular doctor. What are my options, and how quickly can I get the results?

A: If you want to get tested anonymously, your local department of health can usually provide that service. Home tests can be done using the HIV self test kit which should be sold in retail pharmacies or at 1-800-448-8378 or 1-800-HIV-TEST or online at HomeAccess.com.

Based on the recent Bartlett book on Medical Management of HIV, these results are confidential and referral and counseling are offered. You might also make an appointment with an Infectious Diseases doctor to get tested, although your regular MD should be the one offering you testing on a regular basis. Good for you for taking the initiative to get tested. Good luck. -- Susan Ball, MD

ASK THE THERAPIST: 7 Steps to Surviving a Break-Up

 Q: I'm just devastated about losing a boyfriend recently, and now he has a new boyfriend that he is flaunting in front of me to get me jealous. I'm just a wreck and can't get over the sadness/jealousy/hopelessness. I'd really appreciate any advice you can give me. Thank you.

A: Unfortunately, it's not beyond my comprehension why you would not be over someone who would do such an insensitive and hostile act. And, though I believe you are sad and jealous, I do not believe you have given up all hope.  I know that in your mind you are hoping she still wants you and there is some glimmer of a chance. You have taken the role as her doormat because you like to be at least close to his front door.  A healthy response would be to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, walk away, and don't look
back.  Try these 7 steps to surviving a break-up:

1.     Recognize the Loss

Shock and denial are common first reactions.  Tell yourself you are aware of the loss and that you will survive.  Radically accept that the relationship is over.  Give up hope that he will come running back into your arms.  Even if he did, I guarantee you that round two would be more destructive and devastating that this first time around.

2.     Be with the Pain

Let yourself feel. Don’t hide it, deny it, or try to squelch it.  Part of grieving is getting through the pain.  If you put off grieving, it tends to fester like old meat.  Know that it may feel badly now, but that like all things it will get better.  Fasten your seat belt because it will be like riding a roller coaster.

3.     Give yourself time

Time truly does heal all wounds. A folk wisdom is that it takes half the length of the relationship to get over it (but it can take even longer!).  Expect the healing will be a roller coaster, so you can’t plan to feel better or worse.  Schedule your days and nights, especially in the beginning.  If you find yourself having free-time, call your friends and schedule movies, plays, hikes.

4.     Be with those who care

Surround yourself with nourishing people.  It is better to do nothing with someone who cares than to do something alone.

5.     Clean up your house (and cell phone, and iPad, and...) 

There is truth to the saying, "Out of sight, out of mind."  Hide the pictures, delete the emails and phone numbers, gather the possessions and put them in a box.  If you can’t through things away, then hire a storage unit for one year and stick them inside.  Revisit things in a year and see if you still want to hold on to them.

6.     Don’t Drink and Dial

Late night sorrow? Feeling horny? Reconsidering? Don’t look to the one you are separated from to give you comfort.  This is especially problematic when drinking.  If you find yourself feeling tempted, spend the night with friends.  Getting together with your now “ex” for one night could mean weeks or months of extending the emotional pain of the break-up. And, oh yeah, lay off the booze for a while.

7.     Out with old, in with the new

Do things just for you. Reawaken old interests.  Find things you have never done before and that you know your partner will not be interested in.  Develop the new person you want to be.  And, if you happen to meet someone else along the road to the new you…. even better.  Remember, nothing casts out an old love, like a new one.

Anyone who treasures a relationship is likely to be quite sad and have to grieve when it is over.  This process is natural and even healing.  But holding on to the past is going to keep you from moving on with your life.  You must reach inside and accept that though you will miss him, you also acknowledge that your time with him did have problems and his behavior now is reprehensible.  Letting go of him in your heart will lead you to feel more sad at first, but you will heal and make room in your heart for a new boyfriend.

In the meantime, a good book to get about loss is, "How to Survive The Loss of A Love" by McWilliams, Bloomfield, and Colgrove.  It will help you through the grieving process. -- Greg Cason, PhD

Your Daily Dose: Gay Condoms (say what?), Healthy Headlines, Hormone Therapy...and More

Don't have time to find today's hottest health headlines? Here's what making news as we speak (we opt for the upbeat or amusing, when at all possible, you can find all the bad news on CNN, right?)... Enjoy!

HORMONE THERAPY: Happy Monday!

I NEED A HERO: Why did HRC blast Target, Best Buy?

I NEED A HERO 2: Joe McElderry of X Factor fame comes out...

MUST READ: Get your gay condoms here!

MUST SEE: Here Come the Grooms!

MIND BODY: Take a break, relax, and recharge...

ASK THE DOC: How do I find a gay or gay-friendly doctor?

Q: I have small white bumps on my penis, and I need to find a doctor in the Hackensack, NJ area that I could go to see. I'm shy and would be much more comfortable with a gay doctor. Can you help me? Thank you.  

A: You can search for a gay or gay-friendly health care provider in your area here, via the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association's "Find a Provider" section. Good luck. -- Susan Ball, MD

ASK THE DOC: Should I discuss my sex life with my doctor?

Q: I'm a single guy in my 20s and I am also sexually active. I really like my doc, but I'm afraid to talk to her about my sex life. I feel ashamed or embarrassed, but she doesn't ask me about it, either.  How should patients initiate these conversations with their doctors?  

A: You are absolutely right that she should be asking you about your sex life. It shouldn't be your responsibility to bring it up but, nice as she is, it doesn't sound like she's asking enough questions to thoroughly take care of you. But you can help her! You might say something such as, "I feel fine but would you please test me for STDs? I know that there are a lot of things out there that I might be vulnerable to." 

Or, if that's too much, you could try something more subtle, like, "I'm dating someone new, is there anything I should worry about these days?" (hopefully she will pick up the hint). If all else fails you might try something like, "What is syphilis?" to initiate the conversation.

But the botton line is, you should not feel embarrassed or ashamed. You are smart to think about it and want your doctor to think about it, too! Good luck. -- Susan Ball, MD

ASK THE THERAPIST: Sexy, good looking...and have no friends?

 Q: I'm a very good looking gay guy, and everyone I meet pretty much wants to sleep with me. The problem is, I don't have any real friends. I can't ever just talk to guys or hang out, everyone seems to want to take it further. I'm lonely as a result. Any advice?

A: My guess is that you haven't been good-looking very long because you haven't learned to appropriately handle your attractiveness with others.  Maybe you've recently lost weight, had a nose job, or started wearing flattering clothing.  Whatever it is, you seem to have it going on if now EVERYONE wants to sleep with you.  Truthfully, I've never met someone that hot --even Angelina Jolie has her detractors (albeit fewer than most).  But here goes...

First, realize that good looks are a form of power.  Though your letter only focuses on problems, the truth is that people who are good-looking have an advantage in this world. Doors open for them, jobs are offered to them, and people want to be with them.  That power is fleeting and can easily change with too much food, drink, or drugs.  Even with the greatest of care, aging takes its toll and looks fade.  What may seem annoying now will one day be missed.

Second, what your mama told you is correct, beauty truly is only skin deep.  Generally being very good looking may bring the boys to you, but it if you don't offer more than that, then the only the shallow ones will stay.  What more do you have to offer besides your looks?  Are you kind, generous, and thoughtful?  Have you developed your mind with education or squandered it on re-runs?  What lies beneath the skin is the real secret to true beauty.  If you don't have any real friends, maybe you don't offer more than just a pretty shell.

Third, get a reality check.  If people only see you as a sex object, then you need to get a friend, therapist, or concerned citizen to tell you what it is about you that gives off that signal.  Do you dress in tight or revealing clothing?  Do you make longer than appropriate eye contact?  Do you touch or otherwise flirt with people with whom you are not attracted?  While there is nothing inherently wrong with any of these things, all of these things may lead the naive observer to think you want treated like a sexual object.  For someone like Blanche DuBois, or Blanche Devereaux for that matter, that could be a good thing.  But if that is not your desired effect, then you need to adjust your dress and behavior.

Now my assignment to you: watch how beautiful women act in the world.  Attractive women are hit upon far more frequently than attractive men.  Watch how they handle themselves. These women do things that may sometimes appear rude, but later you realize their behavior is adaptive. They may not make eye contact with some.  They may appear focused on something or someone else.  They dress according to the circumstance and never in a way that is out of place or out of context.  They don't look around to see who is looking at them, they understand that attention is on them always and act accordingly. They send out subtle signals that they are not available – except to their companions to whom they give their undivided attention.  When approached, they politely decline and return to what they were doing.  They treat others, whether it is a corporate mogul or service person, with dignity and respect – but not flirtation. They use their beauty when they need to, but put it back in their holster immediately. They project and ease and confidence that both make them appear comfortable yet unapproachable. Watch and learn.

My greatest concern for you is not your looks.  I know that they, like all good things, will come to an end.  But, friendships and relationships last a lifetime. If you don't have them, it's time to stop blaming what's on the outside and start looking within. -- Greg Cason, PhD

Your Daily Dose: Back Off, Bullies! Healthy Headlines, Hormone Therapy...and More

Don't have time to find today's hottest health headlines? Here's what making news as we speak (we opt for the upbeat or amusing, when at all possible, you can find all the bad news on CNN, right?)... Enjoy!

HORMONE THERAPY: Happy Tuesday!

I NEED A HERO: Quinn signs anti-bullying law...

I NEED A HERO 2: Google helps gay workers with health tax...

MUST READ: Homophobia hampers HIV research...

MUST READ 2: ALA: LGBT smoking stats aren't pretty...

MIND BODY: Guided meditation cleansing and wellness video